The Totes McGoats Q&A

Mayor Paul Dyster with large furry animal Mayor Paul Dyster with large rabbit Mayor Paul Dyster with large upright goat

In the interview everyone’s been talking about, Niagara Falls’ new spokesgoat sits down with the Niagara Falls Reporter and talks trash, recycling, politics, and those thorny questions about his criminal past.

Q: Well, you’ve certainly had quite the launch, Totes. You made Time Magazine and Headline News.

A: Fox News, too. And, even I’ve been offered a show on MSNBC. They tell me a talking, recycling goat fits in with their “commitment to diversity.” Plus, they say I kind of look like Andrea Mitchell.

Q: Right.  Not that it’s all been good. Time called you “Niagara Falls’ terrifying recycling mascot.” Is that the kind of launch you were going for?

A: What is this, The O’Reilly Factor?

Q: There are a lot of questions about the wisdom of making a guy in a $25 goat mask the face of recycling in the Cataract City, Totes. What say you?

A: I’m a spokesgoat, not a scapegoat. There’s a lot of questions about the wisdom of putting a political operative like Brook D’Angelo in charge of the city’s trash program. I mean, her greatest accomplishment before getting national attention with Yours Truly was sending Sam Fruscione’s political career to the landfill.

Q: The Niagara Gazette editorialized against you:  “It’s clear someone inside city hall should be taken out to the farm and put out to pasture. …In a city all too often sadly known as a place where whacky ideas manage to grow legs and seemingly sound ideas go to die, the advent of Totes McGoats ranks high on the list of embarrassments, and that’s honestly saying something in Niagara Falls.”

A: I know. I read it. If I had my way I would not recycle the Gazette and for that matter the Niagara Falls Reporter.  I prefer Artvoice myself.

Q: An online profile of your creator, Brook D’Angelo, says this about her: “A graduate of NCCC and Buffalo State College with degrees in Public Relations and Marketing, Brook has held several positions in the music and art industries, human services and is a certified wedding planner.” What do you think this says about this whole episode?

A: It tells me that the NCCC Public Relations program is the best. And that Paul Dyster actually hired a person with no experience in garbage to run his garbage program.

Q: You sound like you’re souring on Mayor Dyster.

A: He’s a BAAAAAAD mayor.

Q: What makes you say that?

A: For one thing, it’s like “Animal Farm” at City Hall: All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others. For another, Dyster bounces from costumed mascot to costumed mascot like he’s got some sort of fetish. Did you know I caught him with Walter C. Falls, the NTCC’s chipmunk mascot?

Q: I thought he was a fox.

A: Does it matter? The point is, your mayor hangs around costumed mascots. They have a name for people who are into that, “Furries.” Entire webpages even. Look it up.

Q: So, does that mean you’re endorsing Dyster’s opponent, John Accardo?

A: The Accardo people wouldn’t let me.

Q: Why not?

A: They said I had already helped them enough, whatever that means.

Q: OK, now, Totes, I have to ask the question that’s been on everyone’s mind…

A: The arrest record thing?

Q: Right. What’s the deal?

A: Look, I was going through a bad time. OK, 24 bad times. I’m a goat. In 2015, we’re one of the last groups it’s still fashionable to discriminate against—

Q: That’s kind of a stretch, don’t you think?

A: Elton John once said, “I think people should be free to engage in any sexual practices they choose; they should draw the line at goats though.” Where’s our Pride parade?

Q: Some people have suggested this is just a Hail Mary play by the Dyster Administration, that Mayor Dyster is trailing badly in some internal polls and that he’s going to lose in two weeks—

A: He’s a BAAAAAAAD mayor, yes, but come on—you really think having a dude in a goat costume scaring little children was his plan to turn things around? He’s burning the house down on the way out.

Q: That’s kind of a harsh charge, don’t you think?

A: Hey man, I’ve dealt in narcotics before. “Breaking Bad” is kid stuff to me. Get it? Kid stuff?  Baaaaaaahahaha!

Q: Yeah, I, um, get it. Isn’t it a problem for the city’s talking goat trash mascot to be around kids with a rap sheet like yours?

A: Have you checked the numbers lately? There’s like one sex offender for every 300 residents in this city. Someone as clean cut as me, they practically give the key to the city around here.

Q: Actually, they sort of did, didn’t they?

A: Yeah, but I’m a goat, I still need Paul and Brook to open the doors for me.

Q: So, what’s ahead for you, Totes?

A: I see myself being a big part of the mayoral campaign. Everyone is talking about me. I plan to be everywhere, go see my peeps.

Q: So, we’ll be seeing more of you out there?

A: I wouldn’t be surprised if I become the face of the election.