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SEP 29 - OCT 06, 2015

Your Weekly Horoscope

By Jean Topascani

SEP 29, 2015


Aries: (March 21 - April 19)
While you don't believe you have the face of a horse, how is it that people keep holding sugar cubes in front of you? Shave your head, paint yourself green, get on your spaceship and fly back to your home planet. You are exacerbated, although you don't know it since you are not sure exactly what the word means.

Taurus: (April 20 - May 20)
Forget about dieting. Face and ears, need to be hatcheted off your body before anyone will care whether you are skinny or fat. Stick to what you do best -- nothing. Try to consider why people invariably yawn the moment you begin talking. Heed advice about sources of all-natural fiber.

Gemini: (May 21 - June 20)
Say nothing positive about anyone for three days. There is anger in your brain. Douse it with beer. Boycott all personal hygiene products because of animal testing. Your spouse is unusually silent on breakup. But you calculated on that. Homicide victims rarely talk to police.

Cancer: (June 21 - July 22)
While you are unattractive with a nose similar to that of a toucan, make-up and butt pads will help as will plastic surgery and tattoos and botox for your forehead. Loved ones may not appreciate your constant suggestions that they are stupid. AM: Keep away from sulfuric acid.

Leo: (July 23 - August 22)
Skunk hair, catfish face, Jay Leno chin, pigeon toes and vacant stare. Yes, Leo, you know you're hot! Bad dream unnerves you. Sun. Put on a few extra strokes of deodorant. Neptune in 8th house prompts

Virgo: (August 23 - September 22)
Pancake head, pale, wrinkled face, beady eyes, too much eyeliner, too thin, duck lips. Yes, Virgo, you know you're hot! This week will be like any other, except on Wednesday. Major achievements, new friends, and a new way to make a lot of money are coming to a lot of people this week. You will not be one of them


Libra: (September 23 - October 22)
Love troubles clear up when gracious Gemini, with warm smile and toothy dentures, invites you to spend the night. AM: Apply sunscreen when lying on beach for more than eight hours.
Don't consult stars. Turn a blind eye and a deaf ear to people's red eyes and constant laughter.


Scorpio: (October 23 - November 21)
Surgery, hair dying, straightening, waxing, tanning, diets, and workouts results in NO improvement whatsoever. People regard you as dense, but you never notice. Smoking marijuana will help you forget that most people consider you a pothead.


Sagittarius: (November 22 - December 21)
You will have a date with an attractive Pisces who will check your pulse repeatedly on date to confirm you are alive. Throw out pens that don't work. You are as personable as a wet roll of toilet paper. Tues PM: Attractive, but wall-eyed Libra seems to be staring at you.

Capricorn: (December 22 - January 19)
Onion head with mouse ears, saggy jowls, droopy eyes, a pug nose, nasty sloppy lips, buck teeth, rat's nest hair, chubby chipmunk cheeks, fat thunder thighs, hook nosed, wrinkly lizard skin hanging on an uneven awkward frame. You belong in Hollywood. Save money. Write in the memo field for all your checks, "For smuggling cocaine."


Aquarius: (January 20 - February 18)
Pasty, pale vampire skin, huge protruding nose, wrinkles surrounding your mouth, ugly outdated 1960s haircut, thin eyebrows drooping over alien eyes, thunder thighs and cankles, horse face. Someone please kill this thing with fire. Sat pm: Finger food does not include human fingers.


Pisces: (February 19 - March 20)
Lips like two pieces of soggy liver, large cheekbones, crooked eyebrows, warped nose, HUGE chin and gums that look like they are going to jump out of your mouth and attack someone every time you smile. Be proud of your heritage. Let your slick, black oily hair shine and your nose grow. Think positive! Keep an ear out for someone with an interesting accent.







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Your Weekly Horoscope

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