In honor of the just-passed holiday -- when we gather around the table eating the feast of feasts and spend the rest of the afternoon loosening our belts and lamenting the fact that the Bills are so far removed from the playoff picture that the Dolphins/Cowboys game held no special intrigue -- we now pause to hand out the Third Annual Croisdale Turkey Carcass Awards.
The criteria for winning a Turkey Carcass is simple -- just publicly embarrass oneself with behavior that is either criminal or blatantly outlandish.
The winners of the award will be presented with a nearly picked-clean Thanksgiving turkey -- much like the one that is probably taking up roost in your refrigerator right now.
The first category: Hollywood celebrities.
Second Runner-Up: Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez.
Not since Aquafalls has a big event been on again/off again more often than the nuptials for this glam couple. Just tie the knot already, then we can get down to the serious business of figuring out who Hubby No. 4 will be for J. Lo.
First Runner-Up: Glen Campbell, Nick Nolte (Tie).
Aging '70s icons duel for the most hideous mug shot after being arrested for drunk driving and disturbing the peace -- the peace of anyone unfortunate enough to view those maniacal faces staring back from the daily press.
The Carcass goes to ... Michael Jackson.
Threepeat! The King of Pop refuses to let anyone else touch his carcass -- at least that's what celebrity attorney Mark Geragos would like us to believe. Just when you thought Jacko couldn't get any creepier comes a year when a behind-the-scenes British documentary shows how out of touch he is with social mores and a 12-year-old boy accuses him of sexual molestation.
(King of) Pop Quiz: What do Michael Jackson and a grocery bag have in common?
Answer: One is plastic, fake and white and the other one helps you carry your groceries home from the store.
Our second category: World leaders.
Second Runner-Up: Rev. Al Sharpton.
Sure it's a stretch to call him a world leader, but I had to work in this photogenic gasbag for constantly finding ways to keep himself relevant. If an African-American person is shoved into the spotlight for a racial injustice -- actual or perceived -- you can be sure that old Rev. Al will be on the first airplane into town.
Things really hit rock bottom when Sharpton joined in the chorus calling for Rush Limbaugh's head in the aftermath of the Donovan McNabb comments on ESPN. Thank goodness that Jerry Falwell didn't think of running to Dennis Miller's aid when "Monday Night Football" sent the wisecracking comedian packing.
First Runner-Up: Osama bin Laden.
Even bats can't survive this long inside of a cave. Who would have thought that the mighty U.S. military would be unable to locate Public Enemy No. 1 for such a long period of time? Osama's been underground longer than a piece of coal that's been pressure-fused into a diamond. Somebody find this repugnant dictator and bring him to justice, already.
The Carcass goes to ... President Bush.
Gee Dubya promised us there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. He promised us that Saddam Hussein would be killed or brought to trial in America. We trusted his word and showed our faith in his leadership by sending our sons and daughters to war in the Middle East. So far, 444 of them have returned home in body bags. Things have gotten so bad that the president had to fly a secret mission into Baghdad on Thanksgiving to help boost the morale of troops who just want to come home.
To recap: no Saddam, no weapons of mass destruction, not even an Anthrax CD, 444 Americans dead. It's time to rethink things in the Oval Office.
The third category: Sports figures.
Second Runner-Up: Chris Hanson, Jacksonville Jaguars punter.
Accident-prone kicker puts himself on the season-ending injured reserve list by slashing open his leg with an axe. The axe had been placed in the team's dressing room by coach Jack Del Rio with a sign that encouraged the players to "keep chopping wood." Some messages are better left delivered metaphorically.
First Runner-Up: St. Bonaventure men's basketball.
Illegal recruiting of Jamil Terrell forces the firings/resignations of President Robert Wickenheiser, Athletics Director Gothard Lane, Head Coach Jan van Breda Kolff and Assistant Coach Kort Wickenheiser. To add insult to injury, the team refuses to play its final two games of the season, thus putting the school's membership in the Atlantic 10 in jeopardy. Most tragically, Board of Trustees Chairman Bill Swan takes his own life while struggling with the pressure of trying to put the university back on the right path.
The Carcass goes to ... Bill Romanowski, Oakland Raiders.
Rumors of THG and growth hormone abuse dogged the rugged linebacker for most of the season. He takes home the carcass, though, because of his ruthless pummeling of teammate Marcus Williams during a training camp skirmish. Romo yanked the helmet off of Williams' head and punched him in the face so severely that the tight end's eye socket was shattered and his season ended. The Raiders waived Williams in October.
Where's Willie Stargell to lead everybody in a chorus of "We Are Family" when you need him?
The next category: Corporations.
Second Runner-Up: P. Diddy, Inc.
Hip-hop mogul Sean "Puffy" Combs faces charges that clothes made for his Sean John clothing line were manufactured in a Honduras sweat shop. According to Charles Kernaghan, director of the National Labor Committee, a U.S.-based workers rights group, workers at the factory were forced to work 12-hour shifts and to submit to body cavity searches and pregnancy testing.
Allegedly, workers were paid just 24 cents for every $50 sweatshirt that they produced. That's P. Didd(l)y squat!
First Runner-Up: Aetna.
Insurance provider falls from No. 1 to No. 2 as the nation's largest. In response to rising claim costs, Aetna sheds 6 million members and lays off over 15,000 workers. Although the company is fighting hard to re-establish its trust with the medical community, many health care practitioners recoil at the mere mention of its name.
The Carcass goes to ... Chi Chi's.
Hepatitis-A outbreak in Pittsburgh area is traced to a specific restaurant in the national Mexican food eatery's chain. Three people die and over 600 are sickened.
Chi-Chi's spokesperson says that the virus was passed on either by an infected worker or as the result of the restaurant's use of green onions.
Already, five lawsuits have been filed and the company has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection.
Our final category: Local turkeys.
Second Runner-Up: Bobby Newman, Niagara USA Chamber CEO.
Membership in the supposedly pro-Niagara County organization takes a plunge after it becomes apparent that Newman's ship is locked on a course set for the waters of Erie County.
Either severing his ties with the Buffalo Niagara Partnership or resigning from Niagara USA Chamber would go a long way in helping Newman regain his credibility with local business people.
First Runner-Up: Public Works Director Paul Colangelo.
Where to start? Colangelo uses his political savvy to help sweep Irene Elia into office -- that's worth a public flogging or two right there. Next, he escapes scot-free from the asphalt milling scandal that sees two others take the fall. The worst was that he actually had the audacity to sue you, the taxpayers, when he filed a lawsuit claiming that former mayor James Galie mistreated him. Finally, African-American workers file a lawsuit against the city claiming that the Department of Public Works is a racist workplace.
Here's some good news, though: Colangelo cares so much for the people of this city that he agreed to settle his lawsuit for a measly $70,000. What would a cash-strapped city like Niagara Falls do with an extra seventy grand anyway? Feed its poor or fix its streets? Priorities, people, priorities.
The carcass goes to ... Mayor Irene Elia.
The mayor goes out as a repeat carcass-award winner. She took political mud-slinging to a new level as she hired a team of telemarketers to try and discredit mayor-elect Vince Anello.
The reason she's getting the carcass is one that is only fathomable to her Machiavellian mind, however. It is because we at the ReporterThere are no more words to be spoken on the reign of Herroner, so I guess its time to say "Goodnight, Irene."
Congratulations to all of this year's Turkey Carcass Award winners. We raise a wishbone in your honor and, clutching the big piece, wish all of you a future lived in total obscurity.
I'll eat to that.
| Niagara Falls Reporter | www.niagarafallsreporter.com | December 9 2003 |