It’s in the Stars: Your Weekly Horoscope: Feb 4 – Feb 11


Aries: (March 21 – April 19):
Someone sends you an instant messages – with a baseball bat.  Good news. You’re not dyslexic; just really, really stupid. Your spouse and you were happy for twenty years. Then you met. People who know you are jealous of all the people that haven’t met you!


Taurus: (April 20 – May 20):

Skeletor called, he wants his You always go the extra mile. The restraining order says you have to. If you had a dollar for every person that found you unattractive, they would eventually find you attractive.  Waking up means the best part of your day is over! If you are here – who is running hell?


Gemini: (May 21 – June 20):

You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera. You’re not fat, you’re just… easier to see.  Your job is secure. No one else wants it.  Doing things that you are not sup-posed to do at work makes your vision, hearing and alertness much better.

Cancer: (June 21 – July 22):

People don’t just think you act stupid, they’re sure it’s the real thing. You hate it when you are about to hug someone really sexy and your face hits the mirror.  Your superpower is making people laugh. Which would be great if you were trying to be funny.

Leo: (July 23 – August 22):

You’re not really stupid. You just have a bad luck when thinking.  Money talks …but all yours ever says is good-bye.  If you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your parents.  You’re multi-talented: You can talk and piss people off at the same time.

Virgo: (August 23 – September 22):
You’re like school in the summertime – no class. You rationalize: If you’re not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator? A camel can work 10 days without drinking, you can drink 10 days without working.  People love what you’ve done with your hair. How do you get it to come out of the nostrils like that?


Libra: (September 23 – October 22):

People try to get on your good side, but no one has found it yet. You were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse. If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world. Stupidity is not a crime so you are free to go.


Scorpio: (October 23 – November 21):
You try e-harmony. They kept matching you up with people who look like you in a wig. You’re too intimi-dated to date someone that attractive. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.  Makeup tip: You’re not in the circus.

Sagittarius: (November 22 – December 21):
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.  You sometimes watch birds and wonder “If I could fly who would I shit on?”  A straight face and a sincere-sounding “Huh?” have gotten you out of more trouble than you can remember. In your spare time you like to read, write, and fall in love with unavailable people.

Capricorn: (December 22 – January 19):
What would you call a person who goes out with You? Desperate!  You snore so loudly that it scares eve-ryone in the car you’re driving. What language are you speaking? Cause it sounds like bullshit. You are known at the gym as the “before picture.”

Aquarius: (January 20 – February 18):
People don’t want you to feel like you can’t express yourself, but they do want you to stop talking.  Learn from your parents’ mistakes: use birth control.  Bacteria is the only culture you have.


Pisces: (February 19 – March 20):

Did something bad happen to you or are you just naturally ugly? You are great at multitasking. You can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once. People sometimes make fools of other people, but you are the do-it-yourself type. Many people may love to shop but no one is buying your bullshit.


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