Niagara ReporterAn employee at the Niagara Falls Water Board treatment plant on Buffalo Avenue was doing routine maintenance on a submersible pump in sedimentation basin #5 when he realized that, in order to prevent a catastrophic black water discharge into the Niagara River on a Saturday afternoon during the height of the tourism season, he was going to have to replace a Latham sprinkler head attached to the pump.
So the technician was working on the Latham sprinkler with a Langstrom 7″ gangly wrench when the plant’s Chief Operator walked by and saw what he was doing.
“You can’t work on that sprinkler head with a 7″ gangly wrench!” chided the Chief Operator, “it’ll damage the interface with the chlorine contact tank!”
This infuriated the employee, so he walked into the office and pulled Volume 14 of the Kinsley manual off the shelf, takes it back and reads to his supervisor, “The Langstrom 7″ wrench can be used with the Latham sprinkler head socket.”
“You idiot!” cries out the Chief Operator, “It says ‘socket’ not ‘sprocket!'”
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Niagara Falls Water Board Chairman Dan O’Callaghan defended its record at a press conference last week. He said, “The activated carbon in the water acted as a preservative, which extends the freshness period of the water. We think that’s a good deal for consumers.”
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The Niagara Falls Water Board maintains one of the most expensive facilities in the country. In fact, if the average sewage treatment plant uses ordinary mustard, the Water Board uses grey poo ponds.
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The EPA, the state DEC, the County Legislature and even the Falls police are investigating the great Black Water discharge in the Niagara River, but since many toilets have been shut down since the disaster, they have little to go on.
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“I used to be a chef,” Water Board Executive Director Rolfe Porter told reporters the other day, “but now I’m at the other end of the business.”
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A young Niagara Falls woman, who was neither a brunette nor a redhead, was so depressed over the toxic spill in the Niagara River that she decided to end her life by throwing herself off the Rainbow Bridge.
She was about to leap off the bridge when a handsome young sailor saw her teetering on the edge of the bridge, crying.
He took pity on her and said, “Look, you have so much to live for. I’m off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you, and bring you food every day.”
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, “I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy.”
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor smuggled her aboard and hid her in the ship’s hold. From then on, every night, he brought her three sandwiches, a container of water and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love in the boat until dawn.
Three weeks pass with the same scenario occurring each night.
Then, during a routine daytime inspection, she was discovered by the ship captain.
“What are you doing here?” he asked.
” I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she explained. “I get food and water and a trip to Europe, and he’s screwing me.”
“He certainly is,” the captain said. “This is the Maid Of The Mist.”
