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In honor of the just past holiday -- whereby we gather around the table eating the feast of feasts and spend the rest of the afternoon unloosening our belts and screaming at the hideousness of the Green Bay Packers' throw-back uniforms -- I would like to take this opportunity to give out the first ever "Turkey Carcass" Awards.
The criterion for winning a "Turkey Carcass" is simple -- just publicly embarrass yourself with behavior that is either criminal or blatantly outlandish.
The winners of the award will be presented with a nearly picked-clean Thanksgiving turkey -- much like the one that is probably taking up roost in your refrigerator right now.
The first category: Hollywood celebrities.
2nd Runner Up -- Brad Pitt & Jennifer Aniston.
Glam couple shows their classlessness in Rolling Stone interview where they proudly recount how they heckled First Daughter Jenna Bush with taunts of, "Hey, Jenna, want a beer?"
1st Runner Up -- Robert Downey Jr.
"Ally McBeal" star caught in revolving door of substance abuse center.
The Carcass goes to . . . Michael Jackson.
The King of Pop showed his compassion for victims of the Sept. 11 tragedy by refusing at the last minute to allow ABC to air footage of his performance at a benefit concert held in Washington, D.C. His spokesman said that the benefit special would take away from the audience for Jacko's own special, which aired later the same week on CBS. What a patriot!
Our second category: World leaders.
2nd Runner Up -- Jacques Chirac, President of France.
France continues its history of wishy-washy support of U.S. military objectives. Amazingly, Jerry Lewis is still considered something of a god on the streets of Paris.
1st Runner Up -- Jean Chretien, Prime Minister of Canada.
Ottawa is silent in America's darkest hour. Chretien pays the price when President Bush addresses the nation and tells Tony Blair that Great Britain is "America's greatest friend."
The Carcass goes to . . . Osama bin Laden.
The Afghan madman shocked the world on Sept. 11 and simultaneously signed his own death warrant and sealed the fate of his followers. God bless America -- the sleeping giant has been awakened.
The third category: Sports figures.
2nd Runner Up -- Nate Newton, retired Dallas Cowboys lineman.
Old Nate decided to supplement his NFL pension check by dealing some grass. He was stopped in a van with 213 pounds of weed and a serious case of the giggles.
1st Runner Up -- Mike Tyson, heavyweight boxer.
The ex-champ made headlines when he stated that he wanted to eat the heart of current champ Lennox Lewis and that he also wanted to "eat his children." Quick, somebody get Iron Mike a gift certificate to Ponderosa.
The Carcass goes to . . . Travis Henry, Buffalo Bills running back.
The Bills rookie received 100 hours of community service for picking up two girls, 14 and 15 years old, at a Hamburg gas station and taking them back to his house, where he had sex with the 14-year-old.
Travis said the girl claimed she was 18. He should have gotten a clue when the guy at Ben & Jerry's carded her as she tried to order a Rum Raisin ice cream cone.
The next category: Corporations.
2nd Runner Up -- Nabisco.
First the bakery firm stops production of Shredded Wheat at our local plant and then pulls the plug on Triscuits. The horrible irony is that the Keebler Elves continue to work while local laborers were hit with pink slips.
1st Runner Up -- McDonalds.
Fast food giant continues to nauseate with slogan, "We love to see you smile." Oh yeah, the kids behind your counters couldn't give a rat's derriere if I'm smiling when I distract them from their Gameboys to place my order. Besides, my arteries are too clogged with McSludge to effectively pump enough blood to my face to permit smiling.
The Carcass goes to . . . Microsoft.
The computer software giant unsuccessfully fought monopoly charges brought against it in federal court, then tried to "buy" a settlement with a $1 billion education package for the nation's schools. To Bill Gates $1 billion is the equivalent of you or I dropping $10 on raffle tickets. The micro-geek can reach a little deeper in those bottomless pockets -- he'll still end the year as the richest man in America.
Our final category: Local turkeys.
2nd Runner Up -- Anthony Nanula, City of Buffalo Comptroller.
Most felt that Nanula was just slumming as the Queen City money man until he built up a sizable war chest for a run for a statewide office. As it turns out, being at the helm when the city comes up missing $60 million should sound the death knell for his political aspirations. Stick a fork in him, Buffalo, he's done.
1st Runner Up -- The three goons that attacked Reporter Editor Mike Hudson in the men's room of the Convention Center. Nothing is more sacred to Americans than the right to freedom of speech.
The late comedian Bill Hicks once said of the issue of burning the American Flag, "Should you have the right to burn the flag? Absolutely! Just as the guy next to you should have the right to wave an even bigger one in your face while you do it."
The next time we write something you don't care for, boys, write a letter to the editor -- we'll print it.
The Carcass goes to . . . Terry Shaw, Niagara Gazette Editor.
The local daily hit an all-time low in 2001. The writing staff was purged of much of its top talent -- to the benefit of the Reporter, which quickly scooped up free-agent Sports Editor David Staba before he could take his considerable talent out of town -- and replaced it with part-time novices.
Astute readers have noticed a glutton of typos and printing errors on the pages of the Gazette.
A "Best of Niagara" promotion was nothing more than a thinly disguised pitch for advertising money.
The paper truly hit rock bottom, however, when the decision was made to begin charging for obituary columns. When you stoop to reach in the pockets of the dead there is no longer any need to look down -- you are in the bowels of the basement of human compassion.
Shaw was at the switch for all of these decisions and ultimately must take the lion's share of the blame for the crashing and burning of the once- proud Niagara Gazette. With the esteemed Don Glynn entering semi-retirement and the talented Mark Scheer surely destined for bigger things, there don't seem to be many on-board to help Shaw right his wayward ship.
In the recent election, the Gazette refused to endorse a popular Niagara County Legislature incumbent on the grounds that he'd been around too long. Using that line of thinking, it just may be time for the Gazette to fold.
Congratulations to all of this year's "Turkey Carcass" award winners. We raise a wishbone in your honor and, clutching the big piece, wish all of you a future lived in total obscurity.
I'll eat to that.