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OCT 22 - OCT 29, 2015

Your Weekly Horoscope

By Jean Topascani

OCT 22, 2015

Aries: (March 21 - April 19) Lover breaks up and writes sequel to Milton, called "Paradise Regained." Friend's suicide note turns out to be hoax. Conceal disappointment. You experiment with ways to fix your stupidity, but nothing seems to change the fact that you are who you are. Mon. PM. Don't buy poisonous snake.

Taurus: (April 20 - May 20) An attractive member of the opposite sex is secretly laughing at you. A close friend confides in you a highly embarrassing personal problem. Spice up week by telling everyone you know and having good laugh over it. P.M. Best time to sleep.

Gemini: (May 21 - June 20) Encouraging news on Tuesday will turn out to be false. Rely on outgoing personality and winning smile to get you into a lot of trouble. Mercury in 7th house prompts promotion. A co-worker who you treated with contempt will become your new boss. Weds. Pm: Brush your tongue.

Cancer: (June 21 - July 22) Try to figure out why people often say, "If I throw a stick, will you leave?" Go to a bar, drink a lot, then get a new, fancy, four color tattoo. Sat. PM: Prepare for nuclear annihilation. Sun AM: Good time to buy breath mints wholesale.

Leo: (July 23 - August 22) Your talents as a musician come to the fore when several recognize you as skilled at playing the liar. Life on the home front has never been more serene since you left. Your narcoleptic lover finally opens eyes. Tues. am: If you have the money buy a chain of steak houses.

Virgo: (August 23 - September 22) Taking drugs is not smart. However, selling drugs is. You will have ample reason to exclaim this week: "Nobody makes a good deodorant." Failure to make mortgage payments leaves Uranus in empty house. P.M. Avoid lamb chops. A.M. The meek shall inherit the earth.

Libra: (September 23 - October 22) A bat wielding Capricorn will provide answer to question, "What is it about me that makes people want to beat me with a baseball bat?" Weight gain, plus sun bathing, plus lying on beach on belly prompts Greenpeace activists to try to push you back into the sea.

Scorpio: (October 23 - November 21) You will be torn away from friends and cast out of the only home you've ever known, now that your prison sentence is over. Learn to speak English. Mars orbit prompts current lover to express private regret for secretly murdering former spouse. Give your social security number to Nigerian email address

Sagittarius: (November 22 - December 21) Be enthusiastic about the success of others, since you will have none yourself. A short trip is in the stars, possibly to the bathroom. Your new lover is a trifle jumpy and steals your life savings. Do not date, joke or think

Capricorn: (December 22 - January 19) You will come face to face with your worst fears this week after standing in front of a bathroom mirror. Your first instinct will be to run. AM: Monday: Nose appears to grow longer. A person more repulsive than you will become an avid admirer.

Aquarius: (January 20 - February 18) People regard you as dense, but you never notice. Stars indicate you will find a young, vibrant, attractive person, with similar interests, a fun, laughing, outgoing person who loves the outdoors, who is allergic to you. Avoid playing in traffic on Wed

Pisces: (February 19 - March 20) Follow your instincts on matters involving a reputed mobster. Beware of arguments at home boiling over and dividing the house as food levels run low. Wed. PM: Supervisor notices embroidered bathroom curtains missing. Sunday PM: Test all food for poison







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