Your Weekly Horoscope

Taurus: Everybody has the right to be ugly, but you abuse the privilege. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. Mirrors don't talk but lucky for you they don't laugh. People are not anti-social, they just don't like you

Gemini: Since ignorance is bliss you are one of the happiest persons alive. You've got a lot of Karma to burn off. You help people realize there are some really stupid people in this world. . You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

Cancer: Set aside special time to humiliate yourself. You started out with nothing and still have most of it left. Earth is full. Go home. Start numbering your toilet paper. Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.

Leo: You finally realize that ugly thing growing out of your neck... is your head...Talking to you seems as appealing as playing leapfrog with unicorns. Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth? You are refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. Move off this planet!

Virgo: You look good at a DISTANCE! Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. JESUS loves you but everyone else thinks you're an idiot. You must confront this question: Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to like you?

Libra: People say you are dark and handsome -- when it's dark you're handsome! Beauty is skin deep, but ugly is to the bone. You still love nature, despite what it did to you. People don't know what makes you so stupid, but they know it really works!

Scorpio: People say you're two faced, but really if you had two faces why would you wear that one? How about a little less questions and a little more shut the hell up? Dom Perignon is not a Mafia boss. You have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull.

Sagittarius: You have very striking features, which makes you wonder how often exactly have you been struck? The Village just called. They said they were missing their town idiot. You don't think you are a fool. But then what's your opinion against thousands of others?

Capricorn: When you try, pick up line "Haven't I seen you somewhere before?" You receive startling answer, "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore." Since you have your whole life to be a jerk....why don't you take a day off. You have your head examined but the doctors found nothing there.

Aquarius: When you try, pick up line "Your place or mine?" You receive intelligent answer. "Both, you go to yours, I'll go to mine!" If people stand close enough to you, they can hear the ocean. Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.

Pisces: People like you don't grow from trees. They swing from them! Remember Fat people are harder to kidnap. Tornado hits your home and causes $10,000 worth of improvement. If your brain was chocolate it wouldn't fill an M&M. Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!