Your Weekly Horoscope: 'It's in the Stars...'
By Jean Topascani
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Aries: (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19)
You are as polished as a Washington apple that has been spit on and rubbed to a gleaming finish on the tail of a very clean shirt. Do not date, joke or think. The theft of a trainload of Native American fish broth concentrate will mean absolutely nothing to you this week.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
The Stars reveal that you will procure a new profession where you will learn how to treat goat-udder growths, shovel manure, and make limburger cheese. Welcome to the exciting world of goat herding. Your narcoleptic lover finally opens eyes. Follow the dusky Doberman of desire into the kennel of lust: Offer to have lover's name tattooed on your butt.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
This week you will ask a stranger, "What are you doing in my bedroom at this time of night, and why are you grinning at me with those sharp teeth." If you have the money, buy a chain of steak houses. "Baggy Drawers" is not the nickname you expected from co-workers after you purchased your new green, polyester "fat pants."
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Suspense: Prospective lover weighs the advantages of a confluence of physiologically-coinciding characteristics against the demonstrably unfortunate fact of your pronounced disadvantages in wealth, intelligence and personality, and finally concludes that a union with you is inadvisable. Good week to show off your new Florsheims in a singularly decadent manner.
Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22)
Your brain should play a big part in your decisions today. Good day to practice the alphabet. The middle finger of the left hand is generally a better greeting than a smile (since your buck teeth make you look like a rabbit). As your quivering lips meet and eyelashes flutter softly on sweating cheeks, you learn your new lover has dentures.
Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)
Feathers and fresh tar will figure in your sudden decision to relocate. Fame is in the Stars: You will be immortalized by the singularly rare occurrence of being attacked and killed by a hippopotamus. Even if you lose weight, you will still have an obnoxious personality. Wednesday pm: Look both ways before crossing street.
Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)
You are not as good as you used to be but you don't totally suck yet. This week you will greet a winsome stranger with the words "Get your Jehovah's Witness butt off my front porch." Finances improve for co-worker who takes your job. Your teeth are brighter than you are. Try to imagine yourself with a personality.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)
You could have a lot of good luck this week, but you won't. Your personality resembles a Labrador's nose: cold, black, and wet. Uncontrollable drooling occurs within the confines of a dentist's chair. Stars point out that you were boring in your past and will be so in the future. Change your sign to Pisces.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Your mother tried to have an illegal, late term abortion: She wanted to abort you when you were 15. Graceful, you move with the ease of a toilet snake through a four-inch sewer line. Try to figure out why people visualize duct tape over your mouth. Stop kissing the mirror with admiration.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
You are as slick as a broken egg on a linoleum floor. Get out of your room on Friday. Do not make direct eye contact with anyone. Ask your parents to increase your allowance to ten cents a week. AM: Best time to have unprotected sex.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 19)
Your desire for justice and truth is overshadowed by your desire for fast, illegal money. Future looks bleak. Domestic animals find you repulsive. But people like you because they think you're bisexual. Your wish comes true if you take up a life of crime. The stench would have been too much for most people to take, but you're used to it since it follows you everywhere and others call it BO.
Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
Your trembling hand and timid fingertips edge close to the neck of lover's silk blouse, your heart pounding ever faster in syncopation with lover's panting breaths, gentle cries coming from slightly-parted lips, pleading eyes wide with a primitive emotion. Next time use mosquito repellent. You like traveling and if you had money you would do so.