Your weekly horoscope

Aries: (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19) - Closest friends enjoy having parties that are kept secret from you.

Try to behave responsibly after purchasing illegal firearm. A.M. good time to buy breath mints wholesale. Avoid playing in traffic on Wed.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - The sign of the bull quite literally describes you since you are literally full of bull. There is a car called a Ford Taurus. Buy one. To avoid overhearing numerous, insulting comments, avoid wearing swimsuit until late P.M.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) - You have a worthwhile and notable tendency to rely entirely on luck since you lack talent. Check career opportunities at McDonald's. Love is in the air this weekend. Buy an air freshener. Tues. p.m.: Dirty socks hidden in bedroom should be discarded for hygienic reasons.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) - Members of your cult may become involved in a heated argument which may lead to someone becoming suddenly dismembered. Future looks bleak. The sign of the crab is ironically one of the signs least likely to contract VD. Try to make people aware that you are not exactly who they think you are.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - You have the wondrous ability to make people laugh at you a great deal, primarily because you are always getting screwed. You will have an amazing, insightful, life changing conversation with a stranger this week. If this unknown person does not find you by the middle of the week, start asking strangers if they have something profound to tell you. A.M. is good time to quit school.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Devote some energy to getting rid of that rash. Your meddling will eventually lead to a loss of limbs for someone, possibly your own. Inherent dishonesty may cause problems in p.m. Under no circumstances should you eat Chinese food this week.

A schizophrenic will be less than tactful with you. Be careful.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Start to give yourself the same bad advice you have been giving to others. Don't mumble while describing philosophical concepts. Tupperware has pot residue in it. Hair in nose presents social handicap in P.M. Buy a can of insect repellent.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21) - Your more diplomatic friends pretend not to notice your lack of intelligence-at least to your face. Be more understanding with a clumsy surgeon. Your resolve to wait until you are married is very creditable. Get new bed sheets.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21) - Your boss is looking for greater mental alertness from you. Both your boss and co workers appreciate intelligence in someone so ugly. P.M. best time for plastic surgery. You will suddenly find that a close friend or lover is almost as boring as they have long thought you to be. The stars indicate that water will be influential in a fluke accident that will either result in a shark eating your best friend before your eyes or will eat you when you attempt his rescue. Stay out of water.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) -Your brain should play a big part in your decisions today. During the week things will suddenly seem brighter, more vivid and happier. Good day to practice alphabet. A new love will present itself. Your weekend social plans will result in disaster. You poke your nose in when it irritates people the most which is why the stars indicate you will most likely be beaten or stabbed to death in later life. Learn to expect failure.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 19) - Compulsive lying encourages others to believe you. A.M: .Good time to commit fraud you've been considering. P.M. Best time to spy on spouse. “Moron.” It's a word that will recur surprisingly often this week. To the casual observer you appear stupid. This may be because you say an unusual amount of stupid stuff, which makes people laugh (in pity). You are always helpful when people don't need you to be.