It's in the Stars...

Aries (March 21-April 19) -You are quick-tempered, impatient and scornful; many people think you are mentally ill. The stars indicate you will prosper outside the law.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)- An "older" person with lifelong friends, strong family bonds, a web of close ties in the world, with a "higher status" that includes a romantic element compared to your other relationships, will come into your life and steal money from you.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)- The stars indicate you will find a young, vibrant, attractive person, with similar interests, a fun, laughing, outgoing person who loves the outdoors, who is allergic to you. Mon., a.m.: perform your own dentistry.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)- Getting more money may improve your financial situation. But boring personality becomes noticeable on weekend date. Entertainment is in the stars: you will appear either on the Big screen, Television, Broadway, or as a street performer with a tin cup.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)-The stars reveal you will get an unexpected visit from the vice squad. Two lesser charges will be dropped. Casual advice you gave a certain person whose name you will not remember will lead that person to suicide.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)-A winsome stranger notices that you are hilarious, sincere, warm and stupid. Pluto in 7th house suggests spaghetti diet is successful. You gain 25 pounds. Saturday p.m. best time to choke a loved one.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)-The stars indicate simpler lifestyle: You will wind up living in a cardboard box. You will do prison time for something you will describe to the judge as a "misunderstanding." A beguiling stranger will offer to take most of your money and double it.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)-Encouraging news is entirely inaccurate. Liposuction leads to complications. Underarm perspiration becomes noticeable on "runaway" date. Let your limitations guide you.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)- An attractive member of the opposite sex is secretly laughing at you. Live it up! Taunt that surly motorcycle gang that lives near you for an extra added measure of fun. Increase fire insurance on home.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)-Saturn in 5th indicates you love traveling and, if you had money, you would do so. A job might provide a useful source of income. You exude an impression of trustworthiness, integrity and imbecility.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)-This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius! Blackmail friends and relatives for needed extra income. Jupiter in 9th house suggests your last act on earth will cumulate in a love fest.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)-Neptune in retrograde leads to a career as an initially successful but ultimately discovered embezzler. Poke people with pointed objects then pay attention to zany reactions. Using words may help communicate your thoughts. DO NOT post your picture on internet dating site.