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This Week in Stupid Crime

By Mike Hudson

DeVeaux Slasher strikes!

What can you say about a guy like Perry Donald Shirback?

The 24-year-old 18th Street resident seems innocuous enough, but beneath his slight, 150-pound, 5-foot 7-inch, frame, behind the pale blue eyes and beneath the headful of blonde hair, something's definitely askew.

Just ask residents of the leafy and bucolic DeVeaux neighborhood, a place where crime is as rare as it can be in the crime plagued city of Niagara Falls.

According to police, Shirback went on a midnight rampage in DeVeaux last Wednesday, slashing no fewer than 27 tires on cars parked along Roselle Avenue before officers finally caught up to him making his getaway on foot on nearby McKoon Avenue.

Unemployed and possessing of only a 10th grade education, perhaps the Devil made Shirback do it. Police noted the numbers 666 tattooed on his left arm.

Or maybe he's just an idiot. One the fingers of his right hand, officers noted the numbers 716 had been tattooed, as though Shirback needed a reminder of his own area code.


Another moron arrested

Later on Wednesday, police happened across another idiot, one whose stupidity rivaled or perhaps even exceeded Shirback's.

While cruising in the 2800 block of Pine Avenue in a marked police unit, officers observed Jake Edward Nottingham, 18, of South Avenue, riding his bicycle.

Nothing wrong with that, you might say. The blonde haired, blue eyed lad was probably just getting in an afternoon of healthy exercise. And in most places, that would probably be true.

But this is Niagara Falls, and what stuck out to police officers that afternoon was the fact that young Nottingham was riding his bicycle in circles on freshly poured concrete in the parking lot of the Auto Zone store, despite the presence of traffic cones and yellow tape designed to keep people out.

When police turned around and approached the moron in their vehicle, he made a run for it, pedaling for all he was worth. He made it all the way to Grand Avenue before being overtaken.

The arresting officer told Nottingham he had seen him riding his bike through the freshly poured concrete, pretty much ruining it.

"Yeah, so what?" the moron allegedly replied.

He was arrested on criminal mischief charges and his bicycle was confiscated, police said.


A Helpful Hint

OK boys and girls, here's a little tip for you that might save you a lot of trouble in the future:

If you're going out to commit a crime, leave your illegal drugs at home.

Had Packard Court resident Antawnetta Daniels, 26, simply followed this one bit of advice, she'd only be in about half the trouble she's in right now.

Police say the 4-foot, 9-inch, 200-pound Daniels waddled into Walmart on Military Road with larceny on her mind last Tuesday. She picked out 32 items, stuffed some of them into her purse and then only scanned a few at the store's convenient self-checkout counter.

There was no description of the items taken, but we'd be willing to bet that sugary and salty snack treats made up at least a portion of the swag.

Daniels was nabbed in the store's parking lot by one of Walmart's crack loss prevention specialists, who then called the cops. During a routine search, officers found approximately four grams of marijuana in the woman's purse, which explained her case of the munchies and added to her legal difficulties.


Another fine mess!

Patricia Ann Shaw, 32, of LaSalle Avenue has all sorts of problems. Seriously, she makes Lindsay Lohan look like a model of responsible behavior.

City police came across her one day last week in the parking lot of the Rite Aid drug store on Pine Avenue. She was in the custody of store security, who said she had been shoplifting.

What had she taken? Only one thing: A home pregnancy test.

When officers ran her information it turned out she was wanted on a previous warrant, which doubled the amount of bail required to get her out of the city jail.

Police noted Shaw also takes prescription medication to treat depression but, when they locked her up, she said she was fine that day.


Computer date gone wrong

A lonely young Niagara Falls man looking for female companionship on the popular Internet dating site Plenty of Fish got more than he bargained for last week when he met up with a comely young lass at Player's Bar and Grille on Niagara Street.

He had met the young lady on the website and arranged to meet her for drinks and perhaps some delicious Buffalo wings.

Afterward, she asked him to walk her to her car, which was parked down Fourth Street.

Wouldn't you know it, he was first accosted by a young Hispanic male carrying a gun, and then by three other men who proceeded to beat the living hell out of him before stealing his iPhone and wallet.

The girl left the scene with the attackers.

The victim drove himself to the hospital, where he was treated for numerous contusions and abrasions and released.

What can we learn from this? Who knows? Just be careful out there kids.


Finally, a man came home to his Packard Court apartment at 8 one morning last week, only to be confronted in his living room by a guy wearing a ski mask and carrying a large knife.

The guy punched the victim in the face and knocked him down, then held the knife to his throat as he rifled through his pockets. It must have been terrifying.

The victim told cops he had $500 on him, which the guy in the ski mask took before fleeing the scene on foot.

Some of us here think the robber knew the guy would be coming home at 8 a.m. with a large amount of cash on him, but we have suspicious natures.

Still, there are a lot of questions you could ask.



Niagara Falls Reporter - Publisher Frank Parlato Jr. www.niagarafallsreporter.com

Nov 12, 2013