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Your Weekly Horoscope: It's in the Stars...

Aries: Loveable. Assigned to clean toilets, you whistle while you work. Still, you should shower more often, like other people do. This week try something different: Use guns, instead of words, to describe philosophical concepts.

Taurus: Everything has its place, and yours is on the floor scrubbing. Eat a lot of ethnic food from cultures you don't understand. Pluto in retrograde suggests you should try to pick fights with small children. Aries in 7th indicates you should not moon people at weddings.

Gemini: The stars indicate mystical experience. You will see Jerry Garcia's image in your Froot Loops. Watch out for twin mistake at restaurant: 'Fly in butter" turns out to be in actuality a moth in margarine.

Cancer: Stars reveal you will learn to become ambidextrous, so you can pick your nose more efficiently. You have something between your teeth. The biggest challenge of your life is to be yourself in a world that recognizes you are not right in the head. Frankly, you went out of style in 1989.

Leo: You like to think that you are a half-and-half mixture of Socrates and Michelangelo, but in reality you are a curious medley of Curly, Larry, Shemp and the singer formerly known as Prince.

Virgo: Fashion sense has been described as "erratic." Mars in 6th house offers chance to correct it: Your bell-bottoms should be color-coordinated to match your turtlenecks. Most people do not consider a wake a good place to try to meet someone for a new romance.

Libra: Limp handshakes, sweaty palms, mirrors that break when they catch your reflection, these are a few of your favorite things. Sad sack. You are unable to explain the difference between café latté and café au lait.

Scorpio: Secret voices emerge from inanimate things: Rice Krispies will engage in a friendly chat with you as you eat breakfast. Kiss mirror so it won't break when it catches your reflection. Everywhere you go, laughter and comedy ensue. This would be a lot better if you were trying to be funny.

Sagittarius: Neptune in 11th house means animals and small children love you. Moon in 5th house means all adults hate you. You are not really lying when you say that you can't describe yourself since no one to date has ever asked for a description of you.

Capricorn: You cry over dead animals in the road, but feel no remorse about the homicide of people you don't like. Sat. p.m. Overly hot soup at restaurant kills fly on contact. Blow on spoon to cool before eating. Try to use the phrase, "Dude, man..." more often when describing your philosophical concepts.

Aquarius: Just because someone has a high IQ doesn't mean that person is a good, contributing member of society. And just because you have a low IQ does not mean you are good looking. When preparing chickens for your dinner make sure to tell them you're going to kill them and eat them.

Pisces: You will have a varied and bohemian life; own a restaurant, coordinate a massive catering event, and give first aid to people who get food poisoning. You will live in several cities in apartments where you will learn about the different eviction laws in various cities. Your mouth will get you in trouble. But cheer up, you are good at ironing.



Niagara Falls Reporter - Publisher Frank Parlato Jr. www.niagarafallsreporter.com

Nov 12, 2013