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Your Weekly Horoscope: It's in the Stars...

By Jean Topascani

Health and love life grow bleak when fiancée hurls tomahawk into your chest. Finances improve for coworker who takes your job. Increase your medication. Meddling leads to loss of limbs, suicide and a windfall. Use the $50 bucks for a new tattoo.


Everything will be going your way for the next few days. Be careful of Capricorn who is mentally unbalanced. Plan ahead. Buy two cases of beer instead of one. Change your sign to Pisces. Rub medicine on feet to combat fungus growth.


Gambling with your possessions always seems like a good idea at the time. Don't forget to purchase two tickets when you visit the zoo. You'll need one to get out. Sort laundry into two categories: "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable". Purchase a BMW rather than a Chevrolet because it is easier to spell. Sat: p.m. don't pick at scabs.


The stars indicate you should ignore people who say you are illogical, unreasonable and self-centered. The stars also say they are absolutely right. Be ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window. Try to figure out why people often say, "If I throw a stick, will you leave?" Although Cancers are the least likely of all signs to get venereal crabs, you will be a singular, noteworthy exception.


Stars indicate pleasant surprise: You visit a haunted house and come out with a job application! Your mother admits the truth. She wanted to have you aborted -- when you were 15. Lover responds to your pathetic pleas with: "If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead?"


The week starts off on a positive and hygienic note: Your teeth are brighter than you are. Wear ugly sweaters to distract people from seeing your face. Try to imagine yourself with a personality. You become so famous in your area that every policeman knows you. Consider moving. You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.


Set aside special time this week to humiliate yourself in public. A promotion is just around the corner for someone more talented than you. Wed p.m. You will consume a seven-course meal - a hot dog and a six pack. Thurs: Try to figure out why people visualize duct tape over your mouth.


Be enthusiastic about the success of others, since you will have none yourself. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. Hoped-for date responds to proposed meeting time with "How about never? Is never good for you?" Stars point out that you were boring in your past and will be so in the future. People like to insult you, but don't think you're bright enough to notice.


For your birthday, friends plan to do something you'd really enjoy, but not necessarily with you. Laser hair removal helps distinguish your back from your hair. Dynamite, mustache wax, rope, and train tracks figure in an encounter. Avoid unnecessary death. You enjoy climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting. No pie, cake or donut ever crossed your path and survived.


You will have reason to exclaim this week, "Nobody makes a good deodorant." You will get a job where you meet people, with plenty of air. It will involve standing on street corners and shaking a tin cup. The power of attraction waxes. Venus influences love life: Ugly neighbor, who is a depressed, lice-ridden, jealous, hemorrhoidal foreigner, who collects razors, has a crush on you.


You say you are a little snowflake dancing in the universe. People say you are smelly and dirty and openly pick your toenails. A tender, romantic encounter is out of the question. You overhear the sound of your own snoring. Muddlement is your word of the week.


When was the last time you said, "I couldn't be happier"? Whenever it was, don’t expect it again anytime soon. Boss shakes you off like a bad case of fleas. Persistence, if you had it, would be a great substitute for the talent you lack. Tues.: Don't hand pot to kids.



Niagara Falls Reporter - Publisher Frank Parlato Jr. www.niagarafallsreporter.com

Dec 03, 2013