CARDINALS QUIT PLAYING LOSERBALL

Time was, facing the Arizona Cardinals (or their ancestors, the Phoenix, St. Louis or, going way back to the days before the advent of the end-zone celebration, Chicago Cardinals) was a bit like getting an extra bye week.

Only better, because not only did you get a second worry-free week each season, you were all but guaranteed to increase the digit in the W column in the next day’s newspapers.

And the Cardinals weren’t just bad. They were spectacularly, memorably bad. The last time Buffalo paid them a visit, in 1999, the Bills ran the ball about 83 times in a row in the second half, then returned an onside kick for a touchdown to seal the win. When’s the last time you saw either happen in a National Football League game?

Arizona’s last trip to Orchard Park, in 1990, turned out even worse for the red-and-white. On a November day so windy that one gust blew the snap away from the Cardinals’ punter, the Bills still ran up a 45-14 win.

The oddsmakers who made the Bills a three-point favorite on Sunday based that analysis on the visiting franchise’s sad history, rather than current events.

But the last two meetings between the teams took place way back when Buffalo’s coaching staff gave the ball most often to the most productive running back and the quarterback threw with touchdowns, not penalties, in mind.

It was also before the Cardinals snuck up on respectability, a previously foreign concept that arrived in Arizona along with former Minnesota Vikings coach Denny Green.

Bills fans might recall Green. He was one of the veteran coaches who didn’t get a sniff of interest from Buffalo last winter. After all, he would have wanted some say in personnel decisions. He probably wouldn’t have wanted Bills President/General Manager/Pseudo-coach Tom Donahoe looking over his shoulder during training camp and glowering in the coaches’ booth during games, either.

Not that Green’s Cardinals will be this year’s Carolina Panthers. After all, Arizona is just 2-4. Saddled with an offense that includes an inexperienced quarterback and the league’s only gray-haired running back, but lacks last year’s rookie of the year, wide receiver Anquan Boldin, Arizona has yet to get blown out of a game this season.

Of course, staying close doesn’t mean much – the Bills have been within striking distance in the fourth quarter of each of their five losses. But the Cardinals have twice as many victories, and last week’s against supposed Super Bowl contender Seattle, was far more impressive than any Buffalo outing thus far in 2004.

Buffalo, meanwhile, has been busying itself with such maneuvers as giving Travis Henry a sympathy start last week in Baltimore. Then, after Willis McGahee spilled that he’d start against the Cardinals (don’t coaches usually announce such moves?), Mike Mularkey stressed that the move isn’t necessarily permanent, and that he still considers Henry a starter.

Whatever that means.

Then there’s Drew Bledsoe, who tried to explain away his loss-guaranteeing interception on the Ravens’ goal line by saying he was trying to draw a penalty, rather than scoring a touchdown, when he flung the ball into traffic.

That’s what’s known as Loserball, ladies and gentlemen. And even a visit from the once-pathetic Cardinals isn’t going to cure what ails the Bills. Cardinals, 23-17.

Green Bay (-2) at Washington: Gregg Williams is overseeing the NFL’s top-rated defense, yet the Redskins are 2-4. Haven’t we heard this somewhere before? We’ll see how the ‘Skins fare against the league’s hottest offense. Packers, 30-10.

Baltimore at Philadelphia (-7.5): The Ravens didn’t need Jamal Lewis against the Colts, but Donovan McNabb and Terrell Owens don’t strive to draw flags at the goal line. Eagles, 24-13.

N.Y. Giants at Minnesota (-7): The Giants lost to Detroit at home, and Kurt Warner started turning the ball over. Uh-oh. Vikings, 37-19.

Cincinnati at Tennessee (-3): Anybody still wish the Bills had signed Billy Volek after his miserable performance against Minnesota last week? And Steve McNair may miss this one, too. Bengals, 17-16.

Indianapolis (-1) at Kansas City: If the Chiefs don’t have a little momentum after last week’s 56-10 pasting of Atlanta, they never will. And it’s never a good thing when your players start shoving each other on the sidelines, Colts. Chiefs, 30-24.

Detroit at Dallas (-3): The Lions are better, the Cowboys are a disappointment, but Parcells is Parcells. Cowboys, 20-10.

Jacksonville at Houston (-1.5): If the Jaguars beat the Colts in Indy, it would figure that they’d whip the Texans in Houston. But this is the NFL, where little makes sense anymore. Texans, 28-27.

Atlanta at Denver (-6.5): Both come off crushing road losses, so go with the home team. Broncos, 21-13.

Carolina at Seattle (-7.5): The way they’re going, the Seahawks don’t merit this many points against anyone. Seahawks, 20-17.

New England (-3) at Pittsburgh: New England, meet the law of averages. Steelers, 24-23.

Oakland at San Diego (-5.5): Somewhere, John Butler is smiling. Chargers, 27-20.

San Francisco at Chicago (-2): I understand the principle behind guaranteeing each team a prime-time game, but, geez. Bears, 12-8.

Miami at N.Y. Jets (-7): Back to reality, Dolphins. Jets, 34-6.

(Last week: 8-6 overall, 8-6 against the spread. Season: 64-38 overall, 52-48-2 against the spread.)