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Niagara Falls, New York, apparently attracts the world's dumbest developers. The most recent evidence of this is AquaFalls, the aquarium-to-be that at present is a huge hole in the ground and likely to remain so since the Ripley's entertainment colossus and Marineland recently announced they are building massive, competitive aquariums across the river in Niagara Falls, Ontario.
It's not that I expect developers to see the future, but any person with oxygen getting to their brain should know that our city has a wonderful aquarium that has served the community for more than three decades. Why would we need another?
And what developer with any interest in the community would envision an underground aquarium where patrons are launched on a moving sidewalk to look at fish, landed in a souvenir shop and shepherded to an exit that leads directly to the Rainbow Bridge? Thus they can quickly head back to the tacky delights of Niagara Falls, Ontario, without ever having to look at what our merchants have to offer.
Of course, in my book the most damning proof of the dimwittedness of the AquaFalls developers is that they planned an aquarium with no penguins. The only reason I go to aquariums is to see the penguins. You can have your hammerhead sharks--actually you can have all sharks--I do not spend $15 to watch truly ugly and, I'm fairly certain, stupid fish glare at everything while swimming ceaselessly. Penguins may turn their backs on visitors--often do, in fact--but every once in a while one will slip into the water and undulate like a nymph.
I rest my case on the dumbness of this group of developers.
And now we're stuck with this hole in the ground. I know the developers say they have a plan, that the aquarium will be completed. Shades of the bankrupt Eddie Cogan. But development money can dry up at a dip in the stock market, let alone the idea of competing with Ripley's and Marineland's aquariums and the other attractions that draw tourists by the millions to the Ontario side of the Falls. Whatever help we might expect from the state, if appealed to, will be--as usual--too little, too late, and cannot make up for what private enterprise promised to bring to the project. And we get stuck with a hole in the ground.
Here's one solution: I think we should take the long-abandoned, boarded-up United Office Building and lower it into the hole. I figure when the snows come they'll surround this fine example of Art Deco architecture and the resulting ice will fossilize the structure. Then in a thousand years, when archaeologists dig up the remains of our city, they'll be confronted with a culture that was more than a Triscuits factory and the crumbling relics of once-proud Main Street.
But to get back to dumb developers: I offer them some advice. You cannot compete with the established attractions of Niagara Falls, Ontario. That ship sailed across the frontier and up Clifton Hill 50 years ago. Even a casino can't save us, because all we'll attract are gamblers who will spend their time and money playing their game of choice. What any developer worth the name should be looking to is a project that not only will enrich him but the surrounding community as well. We should have developers who want to ensure those businesses that survive in our town are given a chance to take advantage of the opportunity afforded by anything that draws visitors and business to the Cataract City.
So I have this plan for Goat Island. There are a goodly number of tourists who would love to see what the first Europeans saw when they viewed the Falls. Goat Island is as close as they can get and is a treasure for that reason. Okay, so the Falls has receded a few hundred feet and the vegetation is not as lush, what with the walkways and parking lots. And a few things will have to go: Souvenir shops selling trinkets at 10 times their value; a snack bar that charges $3 for a lukewarm soda and God knows what amount for a hideously charred hot dog; the restaurant that should be barred from serving food; and the Maid of the Mist, because its slicker-clad customers annoy me.
The restrooms and the squirrels who beg food can stay.
I know that Goat Island's future rests in the hands of the state bureaucracy and they are not going to put any real effort into promoting environmentally sound tourism. New York says it will spend $3 million on improving Goat Island, though its interest tends to wax and wane with pending elections. But the Empire State's neglect may be a boon. Perhaps we can persuade the powers-that-be to turn the care of the Island over to the city.
Given the ineptness shown by recent city administrations toward most things, that should ensure that in no time Goat Island will be left to revert to nature.