Niagara Falls is an Equal Opportunity city. Everybody gets to have their taxes increased.
Living in Niagara Falls is a lot like playing golf. You drive hard to get to the green but wind up in a hole.
The auditor from the State Comptrollers office asked Mayor Dyster, “How did you manage to give raises out to City Hall staff when the city is losing casino revenues?”
“While fishing last summer,” said Dyster, “I caught a large fish. When I took it off the hook, the fish opened his mouth and said, ‘I am a magical fish. Throw me back to the sea and I’ll give you enough money to not only balance the budget, but achieve a surplus. I threw the fish back to the sea, and now the city is saved from insolvency.”
“How can you prove such an unbelievable story?” demanded the state inspector.
“Well,” replied the mayor, “Everybody got raises, didn’t they?”
The new craft beer house on Niagara Street was so sure that its brewmaster was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $100 bet: The brewmaster would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice “I’d like to try the bet.”
After the laughter had died down, the brewmaster said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. The crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the little man clenched his fist around the lemon and several drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the brewmaster paid the $100, and asked the little man “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?”
The man replied, “I work for Dyster’s Parking Violations Bureau.”
Did you hear – Mayor Dyster got arrested for GWI the other day – “Governing While Intaxicated.”
Drive carefully. Mayor Dyster needs every taxpayer he can get.
Trying to survive as a resident of Niagara Falls, with the crime, unemployment, absentee landlords and exorbitant water bills often taxes the mind.
Oops, sorry, we didn’t want to give Dyster any ideas!