Nobody, absolutely no one, under the age of 120, has ever eaten one of these, or even wants to try. Enough said.
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Another Christmas shopping season is upon us and once again, I sit pondering that age-old holiday riddle: Does Superman's mother actually bother to wrap his gifts or does she figure, what's the use?
While the Jack Kirby/Stan Lee fans of my readership duke that one out, I'd like to offer the following list of items, never to be given as Christmas gifts, as a community service.
Soap on a Rope
A ridiculous product that has no practical use whatsoever. Created by Nipsy Russell, the only reason it was ever marketed in the first place was because it so succinctly rhymed. As Jerry Seinfeld once quipped, "What's next, shaving cream on a wooden beam?" Ladies, unless your lover boy is doing 15 to 20 in the state penitentiary, cross this one off of your holiday list.
Lottery Tickets
Statistically speaking, a gift that amounts to nothing. Akin to giving someone a rare autograph written in disappearing ink. In all but the most extreme cases, the recipient would be perfectly justified in tossing the gift right in the garbage with the envelope in which it came.
Even more tragic is this thought: In what fashion would you commit suicide if they actually won the jackpot?
Cigarettes
There's nothing like the gift that keeps on giving--asthma, emphysema, lung cancer. Hey, everyone deserves to indulge in their vices, but this gift shows no imagination. You wouldn't wrap up a Whopper for the fat guy on your list, now would you?
Fruitcakes
Nobody, absolutely no one, under the age of 120, has ever eaten one of these, or even wants to try. Enough said.
Any Children's Toy Marked with the Phrase, "Some Assembly Required"
Unless you own a slide rule, an abacus and Bob Vila's tool chest, you are going to need to call in the Army Corps of Engineers to assemble this bad boy to approach even a near-approximation of what's pictured on the box.
A Subscription to any Woman's Magazine
Considering the amount of ads in the average ladies' magazine, a number slightly higher than that of the national debt at its peak, they should all be free of charge.
I defy you to blindly open one of these maddening estrogen rags and actually land on a page that has an article. Besides, what woman wants to be reminded at Christmas time that she's too fat, lacks trust, needs breasts and is having a bad hair day?
Any CD by boy bands like N'Sync, Backstreet Boys and 98 Degrees
By Andy Warhol's watch, it's 14 minutes, 59 seconds and counting--why encourage them to make more?
Any product hawked on late-night TV
by Ron Popeil
I'll admit that the Pocket Fisherman was a cute idea. And who hasn't secretly cranked up their K-Tel Sounds of 1974 8-track and rocked out to Seasons in the Sun? It's those rummy audiences, you know the ones that "ooh" and "aah" at the "hair in a can" spray or whatever type of unidentifiable fowl is spinning in the Popeil Rotisserie. It's true that America has dumbed down, but to the Ronco level? Never!
Any personal grooming product sold with the tag line, "Created With Secret Ingredients Known to European Women for Decades"
I've seen European women, with their underarm and leg hair, their bad teeth, and their poor hygiene. Whatever secret ingredients they may possess, they can keep them on their side of the Atlantic.
Well, there you have it, my annual gifts to avoid at all costs. If you stay away from the items on this list, you're guaranteed to have a joyous and merry Christmas. Remember, the well thought-out gift is the mark of a superior giver.
Now, if someone would just point me to the aisle with the Don King ChiaHeads.