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Domestic violence is a cycle of controlling behavior that may include economic, emotional, physical, psychological, and/or sexual abuse.
Recently, the Associated Press printed an article entitled, "Clinton ready to combat violence against women." President Clinton reported that every 12 seconds in America, a woman is beaten. Domestic violence is the No. 1 health risk for women between the ages of 15 and 44, and almost one-third of women killed in the United States are victims of such. Clinton planned on signing an anti-violence bill to help put a stop to victimization. Literature reports that men are doing the abusing over 90 percent of the time; therefore, this information relates mainly to women. However, it is not meant to ignore the fact that women abuse men.
The literature reports that as many as four million women a year are in violent relationships. The majority of cases go unreported because of shame, embarrassment and fear.
Emotional abuse is a pattern of behavior used to gain and maintain power and control over another person by hurting that person's feelings with cruel or unfair comments. This behavior usually includes attacks on self-esteem, preventing outside contact, checking the mileage on the car, redialing the phone to check the last number called, treating the partner like a servant, accusations of unfaithfulness, control over money and insisting the partner needs therapy.
Physical abuse is any forceful or violent behavior toward another person. This may involve battering, using a weapon or forcing sex. Psychological abuse is a threat to do harm to another person, pet or oneself (suicide). The purpose is to create feelings of insecurity, instability, dependency and fear. For example, using statements such as "don't make me hurt you" or "if you don't do as I say, I will have to kill myself." Intimidation, threats and emotional abuse typically are precursors to physical or sexual abuse. Sexual abuse is when a person is forced into a sexual act without giving consent.
Early warning signs of an abusive relationship are physical injuries, failing school, change of jobs, isolation from others, alcohol or drug use. Becoming pregnant may be a form of control or entrapment by the abuser. Most people in abusive relationships don't see there is something wrong, which is why it is so difficult to understand why everyone is concerned.
Phase 1 of domestic violence is tension building. During this phase, the abuser will become increasingly angry and argumentative. He will make unreasonable demands on the abused person, and will attempt to humiliate and instill fear. He will justify his actions in an attempt to calm the abused person. The abused believes she is capable of controlling the abuser's anger and blames outside forces for the behavior.
Phase 2 is an acute incident. The abuser releases built-up anger by torturing, beating or raping the abused. The abuser is under the assumption that he has a lack of control and exhibits this behavior to regain it; the abuser, however, typically is in control of his behavior.
While in disbelief and feeling isolated, the abused separates mind from body until the abuse is over.
Phase 3 is a calm stage. The abuser can be attentive and loving after he has released his anger. He may promise that the abuse will never happen again and that the relationship is a healthy one, blaming it on alcohol, drugs or stress. The abuser will try to earn forgiveness by doing something nice for the abused, and may attempt to gain friends' or family's support by showing his charming side. The abused initially may seek out help and support to get away from the abuser; however, guilt and fear over leaving usually will be enough to keep her in the relationship.
Money, support, children, religious or cultural beliefs, embarrassment, fear and love are some reasons why women stay in an abusive relationship. She believes she can change him. She believes she must have done something to upset him enough to act in such a way. Her perception is that he didn't really mean it and that most of the time, they have a good relationship. This faulty way of thinking stops a person from seeking help and getting out of the destructive cycle.
Children from homes of domestic violence are at higher risk of alcohol or drug use, juvenile delinquency, difficulties in behavior, difficulties at school and with social interaction, developmental delays, physical complaints and emotional distress. Boys who witness domestic violence are at a higher risk to abuse their partners as adults.
If you know someone who is in an abusive relationship, let them know they are not to blame, help the person make a safety plan for when they are ready to leave, provide information about resources and offer to keep important belongings--such as orders of protection, checks, credit cards, health insurance information, social security cards, medication, pictures and sentimental items, birth certificates, money, a packed suitcase, a code word in case of an emergency--in a safe place.
Domestic violence knows no boundaries; it occurs in all cultures and across all classes of people.