With sincere apologies to William Shakespeare, Bard of Avon.
Act 1, Scene 1. A deteriorating castle at Northendus. A creaky battlement. Turrets to right and left; a cold, clear night.
JOSEPHUS, chancellor to the Duchess of Cataractus, armed with a mace and war sword, paces to and fro. A bell tolls twelve.
CORREABUS, firekeeper to the duchy, steps forth from shadow with heavy tread.
JOSEPHUS: (Startled.) Who goes there?
Stand and unfold, foul knave.
CORREABUS: (Carrying a torch and a small flagon of water.)
Tis a loyal subject of the duchess.
And with mouthful of news.
JOSEPHUS: Tis now struck twelve, baseborn.
What news at this hour? Stand ho, varlet!
CORREABUS: A pox upon you, thou obstinate
beetle-head. Step into this torch!
JOSEPHUS: Correabus? You come most heavily
at this hour. I see thou not.
Speaketh the secret passwords with such speed as
thou wouldest fly death.
CORREABUS: The duchess is loonytunius.
JOSEPHUS: Nay, nay! Thou prating drone. Tis:
The duchess is loose of tunic. Recall?
She hath escaped the nunnery of her youth.
Thy wits have flown. Make haste with thy news.
CORREABUS: Fie on thee!
Canst never remember such password.
My news flies forth.The gentle Eliasses,
Duchess of Cataractus, doth wish upon thee a meet
near dawn, the better to surprise yon heathen
wagerers in their vile cave.
JOSEPHUS: This delights me not.
What reason advances the duchess?
CORREABUS: I know it not. Peace though,
she is in foul mood. Each dusk, such tribe casteth
bones for lucre and spliteth the proceeds not.
The rabble scurry forth in droves. Yon cave swells.
The good duchess commands to render unto
Eliasses what rightfully belongs to Cataractus.
Or, to quote the gentle lady when I asked,
"We want a bigger cut, thou witless carbuncle."
JOSEPHUS: Lackey's bones! Is noise so rude
against me? Zounds!
CORREABUS: (Taking his leave.) Behold!
Comes brave Bravero, duchy scribe
and castle crier!
BRAVERO: (Grinning.) Aye, and liegeman to the
wise Eliasses, God grant her grace long life.
JOSEPHUS: Come, come, you flattering rascal.
Hast heard? The duchess portends to evict
yon savages from their cave, lest they proffer such
bullion as to soothe her burning gizzard.
BRAVERO: Thou jest! By my troth,
I would praise her. Didst know more?
JOSEPHUS: I knoweth not, but I surmise.
Wouldst be likely she seeks to speak
again of the horse-tether the heathens do build.
Recall they offered a casket of shillings to make
use of hers instead, but she liked it not,
even though she pretendeth love for such scheme
with the heathen chieftain. Forsooth, she made
haste to withdraw from such idle rogues.
Night-brawling mirthmakers, she called them.
BRAVERO: Such grace. Such resolve.
Oh, to kiss her hand!
JOSEPHUS: Perchance, couldst hie thee to
Greater Cataractus Scrolls and gather some
of thy apprentice scribes and criers to attend
such merriment with us?
BRAVERO: I cannot. I fired the lot.
JOSEPHUS: Pity.
BRAVERO: The gentle lady knows much of
shillings and bullion. Upon the fortnight she hath
pledged such treasure to repair the duchy
horse-tether as to make serfs blink with rage.
Forsooth, most of them did howl when she pulled
the farthings from pitiable purse. To make lame
waste and call it purchase -- ah, what genius!
And I said as such to my comrades at the
Table of Merchants.
JOSEPHUS: By the darkness!
I would my horse had the speed of your tongue.
Come, dawn approaches, and we must attend
the duchess at the heathen cave.
Act 1, Scene 2. A huge cave with convex ceiling and carvings of forest animals at its entrance. Raucous noise pours forth from within. From the cave opening one can witness a new contest of chance being installed. It is called Wheel of Serfs. Straining farmers and tradesmen are being strapped to its huge spokes. They protest loudly. It availeth them naught.
JOSEPHUS: (Entering cave mouth, accompanied by CORREABUS and surrounded by yeomen in livery with giant red Es on their tunics.)
Stand and deliver, thou smiling pickthanks
and tattered prodigals. Thou wouldst
answer very well to a whipping,
which by God's mercy will we forfend.
All hail the Duchess Eliasses!
A flourish of trumpets. The duchess ELIASSES enters in perturbation. She glances at the Wheel of Serfs and offers a brief, appreciative chuckle.
ELIASSES: (Alternating sneer and smile.)
Her excellency, that would be me,
hath after much vexation and study decided to
accept the barbarian offer of tribute to repair the
duchy's nearby wagon house and horse tether,
even if I do still consider you pernicious
bloodsuckers and a vulturous rabblement.
A great hullabaloo is raised, then stills. A man strides forth from the mob with confidence in gait. He is better attired than his fellow revelers.
JOSEPHUS: Stand and hold, puling wretch!
Art thou not affrighted? Name thyself.
MICKEY: My name be Mickey. I run this cave.
Such offer expire. And nay,
thou affrightest me not.
JOSEPHUS: Mickey? What lunatic name wert that?
CORREABUS: (Stepping forward and harrumphing.)
We have dealt with this one before. His claim
is of a wraith from some future time.
It is impudent babble.
Anon, I shall declare this cave fraught with hazard
of the flame, and must betides be closed.
Yet, forsooth, it be much impressive
in what speed he tidied up this cave.
ELIASSES: Out upon it! Enough of this
idiot natter. Her excellency, that would be me,
demands these definements, through her mercy
and contemplation: That you maketh repair on yon
wagon house and horse-tethers, and that you
bringeth ample tribute to Castle Northendus.
Or, as I am fond of putting it:
"Cut me in, you noisome scum!"
MICKEY: And what provideth if I say nay?
ELIASSES: Filthy wretch! If thou persist,
her excellency, that would be me, shall
alter route of all incoming horsemen and visitors
to the kingdom, so that none shall passeth
for the clamor and tumult outside this cave.
See what thy precious bone-casting and
serf-spinning profiteth thou then.
MICKEY: Vouchsafe me rude inquiry, madam.
Doth thy subjects know of such ill will?
Dost the merest of them possess knowledge of
such potions thy take daily, or of the handspan
of angry horsemen thou hast forced from the paths
of thine duchy without report or recompense?
Might not brave Bravero flush
with interest at such news?
ELIASSES: Bravero? He would be as valiant as a
wrathful dove against my person. Know ye not
he is a most magnanimous mouse in my granary?
May boils plaster you o'er, peevish whelp.
You disease my better mirth.
MICKEY: Well be it, then. Mayhap two other
scribes be consulted, well-named as Hudsoncrantz
and Brucenstern. Fain I would beguile them
with such juicy persimmons.
ELIASSES: Hudsoncrantz and Brucenstern?
Who be they? Whither they comest,
from another duchy? Already have I borne
more offenses at my beck
than I have thoughts to put them in.
MICKEY: From the future, madam.
From the future.
ELIASSES: This bodes some strange eruption to
my state. Come, Josephus, we must repair to
Northendus. Wouldst palaver with Bravero.
He will throw me free from care.
JOSEPHUS, CORREABUS, ELIASSES and the yeomen ride off to the north. The carousing gamblers return to the Wheel of Serfs and the bone-casting pit.
| Niagara Falls Reporter | www.niagarafallsreporter.com | April 1 2003 |