FREE AGENT SIGNINGS MIGHT BREATHE NEW LIFE INTO FALLS

The free agency period for the National Football League began last Friday. For the next six weeks, teams will have the opportunity to sign players who are not under contract in an effort to upgrade their talent and produce more wins on the field of play.

The Buffalo Bills, for example, will be looking to improve their defense to better complement last year's high-octane offense. High on the Bills' wish list are a fleet-footed outside linebacker and a defensive end that can get after the passer.

I spent much of Friday evening logged onto the Web site, TwoBillsDrive.com. On their message board, posters were rattling off a litany of potential free agent signings and the probability of each one happening. After reading the umpteenth posting which offered forth the ardent desire that the Bills sign both Cincinnati Bengal linebacker Takeo Spikes and Tennessee Titan defensive tackle John Thornton, my mind began to wander beyond the world of sports.

Wouldn't it be nice, I thought, if cities could have a free agent signing period each year to address weaknesses and upgrade their talent? Can you imagine how wonderful it would be if Niagara Falls could spend the next six weeks on the open market, plucking cultivated jewels from other cities to the betterment of each one of us who live, work and pay taxes here?

Well, imagine no more, because I've elected myself general manager of the fantasy league city of Niagara Falls and it's time to do a little open market shopping.

The first thing that any prudent general manager needs to do is to decide which of his current assets are worth keeping. With that thought in mind, here then is our list of protected strengths of Niagara Falls.

1. Niagara Falls -- as in the waterfalls themselves.
   I took a look at what other natural wonders were available, like the Grand Canyon, the Everglades and the Rockies, but none measure up to the true majesty of our famous cascades.
2. Our food.
   You can keep your fancy foods like Brie, caviar and escargot. Where else but in Western New York can you find pizza, wings, Texas Red Hots, beef on weck and crusty Italian bread? And don't forget the side order of bleu cheese.
3. The Book Corner.
   Other cities may have Walden Books with reader discount cards or Border Books with latte and espresso bars, but no one has the throwback charm and dedicated customer service of the coolest bookstore on the East Coast.
4. The Niagara Falls Reporter.
   Allow me a homer pick here. So many of you have e-mailed, written and thrown notes tied to rocks through our windows to say that you're happy that a newspaper in this town finally speaks for the common man that I feel safe in the notion that you wouldn't swap us for the Cleveland Plain Dealer or the Kansas City Star.
5. You, the people.
   This requited love thing is beautiful, isn't it? Seriously though, you can't beat the eclectic mix of races and nationalities that swirl in the home-brew of our melting pot. The fact that we're decisively blue-collar and play as hard as we work gives us a type of character that stands strong against the winter wind and mellows easy in the summer breeze. Trade you for a snobby New Englander or a laidback Californian beach bum? Never!

Now it's time to make our cuts and free agent acquisitions.

1. Cut: Mayor Elia.
   Signed: Baltimore Mayor Martin O'Malley.
   Since being elected as the youngest mayor in Baltimore's history in 1999, O'Malley has had a positive impact on almost every aspect of the port city. The crime rate is down, employment is up and the waterfront district has had a dramatic facelift, breathing new life into one of America's oldest cities. Within one week of taking office, O'Malley pledged to make Baltimore the cleanest city in the nation. A little over three years later it appears that he's made good on his promise. Goodbye mini-golf, hello mini-renaissance.
2. Cut: Our power brokers.
   Signed: The movers and shakers of New York City.
   "Forbes" magazine just published their annual list of the 500 wealthiest people in the world. Niagara Falls had not one individual listed. New York City, on the other hand, had 28 billionaires on the list. With that type of wealth transplanted here we could say goodbye to giant holes and empty buildings downtown forever.
3. Released: Our weather.
   Signed: The year round climate of San Francisco.
   There are times -- usually in July -- when I count our change of seasons as a plus, but this bitterly cold winter has me ready to grant you all a well-deserved change of scenery. Much thought went into this move. I considered inking the weather of Fort Lauderdale, Fla. or Raleigh, N.C., but I don't think we'd fancy boarding up our homes during hurricane season. The Bay City has a perfect balance of year-round temperature, featuring mild winters and breezy summers. Enjoy!
4. Cut: Niagara Falls wax museums.
   Signed: The Smithsonian.
   Every free agent class worth its salt has to have one mega-signing. This is ours. Say goodbye to wax figures of Annie Edson Taylor and Louis Joncaire, say hello to the Wright Brothers' plane and Judy Garland's ruby slippers. Can't you imagine the joy on visitors' faces when they see Jim Galie's orange sport coat displayed next to Archie Bunker's chair?
5. Cut: Our collective memories of the past 50 years.
   Signed: Industrial Light and Magic.
   This one may sound like a reach, but think about it for a moment. If the memories of the failures of the past 50 years could be erased from our consciousness -- I'm talking about urban renewal, the factory closings and Love Canal -- and replaced with George Lucas' visions of prosperity, why, we'd be unstoppable. Henry Ford said, "Whether you think you can or think you can't -- you are right." The technological wizards of Industrial Light and Magic will infuse us with the power of belief that anything is possible. Just dropping the "im" as a prefix to the word "possible" is the first step in moving from the Lackey era into the Lucas era.

And so we draw a close to the free agent signing period. How did I do? Feel free to write me at the address below with your suggestions on how to upgrade our city in the free agent market.

Just one word of caution, don't suggest that the paper cut me and sign a high-profile columnist like Ellen Goodman or Leonard Pitts -- Hudson's already slapped the "franchise" tag on me.

Niagara Falls Reporter

www.niagarafallsreporter.com

March 4 2003