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Remember the "Dozens"?
It was a game played on most playgrounds when I was a youngster that involved two kids each taking turns insulting one another's mothers. Often, the taunts were directed at the weight of your playing partner's mother.
"Your momma's so fat, when she went outside in a purple dress all of the kids yelled, 'Hey, Kool-Aid!'"
Oh, yeah.
"Your momma's so fat, she fell down and broke her leg and gravy poured out."
Well.
"Your momma's so fat, I took her to a dance and the band skipped."
On and on the verbal assaults went until someone was out of insults and his adversary declared the winner. Truth is, in the 1970s fat was funny. Only 20 percent of Americans were overweight 30 years ago, and less than 10 percent were obese (more than 30 pounds above normal weight). Fat people on television were almost universally depicted as jovial and content. Nell Carter, Sebastian Cabot and Dom DeLuise were always part of the joke, never the butt of it. In response to Madison Avenue's declaration of "Thin Is In," overweight Americans created a rejoinder slogan, "Fat Is Where It's At."
Today we know better. An alarming 61 percent of Americans, or 120 million, are overweight. Thirty percent have moved beyond the obesity mark. As a result, health care officials are dealing with an epidemic of weight-related crises. Diabetes, especially the juvenile variety, is at an all-time high. Heart disease, strokes, back problems, hemorrhoids -- all are charting off the map and all are directly traced back to obesity.
The proliferation of fast food outlets probably has a lot to do with how large Americans have become. Things have gotten so bad that, along with Play-Doh and Lite Brite, you can now buy your preschooler a starter play-kit of McDonald's food items.
"Look at the way little Timmy holds up his McNugget package and super-sized fries, honey. It won't be long till he's wolfing down the real thing. I can hardly wait."
Thankfully, the people at Home Depot have a plan to help us all.
By the end of the year, Home Depot stores in Manchester, Conn., South Attleboro, Mass. and South Plainfield, N.J. will sport a Dunkin' Donuts counter along with the usual assortment of lumber, hardware and power tools.
It's about time.
"We did some survey research and found that a lot of professional builders and contractors visit our stores particularly in the early hours, to collect materials," said company spokesman John Simley. "On their way to the work site, they stop off at a Dunkin' Donuts for coffee, bagels and doughnuts for their crews, so this just makes it a little more convenient for them."
That's just what fat plumbers -- the kind that, when they bend over in their blue jeans, give new meaning to Nancy Reagan's plea to "just say no to crack" -- need, a more convenient way to scarf down a baker's dozen of creme-filled French crullers.
God forbid these sugar-consumption vessels should actually have to park their cars twice and get a little exercise walking up to buy their doughnuts. Now they can purchase a claw hammer and a glazed bear claw all in one convenient transaction.
But why stop there?
I'll bet that many of those same professional builders stop off for a cold one after work before hitting up Home Depot for the next day's supplies. Why not start serving alcohol at the hardware chain, so that no beer guts are diminished by an unnecessary trip to the local watering hole?
Aisle 5 -- Wooden Beams, Metal Seams, Genny Creams.
Aisle 9 -- Tack Hammers, Door Jammers, Alabama Slammers.
While we're at it, there's no need to stop at Home Depot. I bet there are countless other businesses that are in dire need of a doughnut partnership.
How about Delta Sonic car washes? I'm certain that research would show that many people spend that idle time watching the soft cloths beat on their Chevys just dreaming of a peanut twist doughnut. Why should they have to make a special trip to placate their sweet tooth?
"OK, sir, that's one Super Kiss with undercarriage wash, interior vacuuming, tire Armor-All and two original Krispy Kremes, and you're in luck, the neon sign is flashing, which means we're baking fresh as we speak. Now, for just $3 more, you can upgrade to our deluxe package, which includes a free re-wash within five days and a free doughnut each day for life, should we fail to remove every dead sandfly from your windshield."
I think Jenny Craig would quadruple their business if they offered free doughnuts with every "Jenny Meal" purchased.
Firestone could have turned a lot of the negative publicity that it received for its defective tires into positive P.R. with this spin. "Roll in on your doughnut spare and we will give you a dozen Tim Hortons with any new tire purchase."
As you can see, the possibilities are endless. What's important is that Americans retain their rotund figures by constantly finding new and innovative ways to scarf down more doughnuts.
Soon kids on playgrounds everywhere will have a wealth of new material to employ while laying down the "Dozens."
"Your momma's so fat she had a massive coronary while pounding down her 10,000th doughnut at Home Depot."
It's not the 1970s anymore and fat is anything but funny.
| Niagara Falls Reporter | www.niagarafallsreporter.com | August 27 2002 |