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Scientists from a major university recently released a study with earth-shattering news. The researchers said that after years of in-depth studies they can safely say that -- brace yourself -- women feel emotions more profoundly then men. Wow, who woulda thunk it?
Those same researchers also revealed that they are hard at work on a study to prove true the rampantly repeated rumor that women sit down to pee at a much higher frequency than do men.
Where would we be without these amazingly insightful, governmentally funded studies to illustrate for us the myriad of differences between women and men?
How else would we know that men like to channel surf up and down the dial ad nauseam while women are happy to tune the Sony into the Lifetime Network and rip the knob off? How would we discern between the female shopper -- she who goes from store to store carefully analyzing every article of clothing on each rack, searching for just the right fit and color scheme, from the primitive male shopper -- he who grabs the first shirt, at the one and only store he will enter, with his only purchase condition that it is on the rack closest to the front door and check-out register?
Well, fret not, dear readers, because your friendly neighborhood newspaper columnist has undertaken an exhaustive research study -- at no cost to taxpayers' pocket books -- to compare the many differences between men and women in that great vestibule of gender expression, the personal ad.
First, let's examine a typical personal ad as placed by a thirty-something male seeking companionship.
Attractive, successful male, 35, seeks fit, attractive female between 18-34. I enjoy long walks, the great outdoors and the simple things in life. I've enjoyed many long-distance correspondences with sweet ladies and now wish to settle down with Ms. Right. I like to snuggle by candlelight and engage in conversation with people from all over on the sandy shores of Lake Ontario. Don't delay, contact me tonight.
A young lady would read such an ad and probably think this man a caring romantic who would be a great catch.
She, of course, would be dead wrong.
Pay close attention, ladies, as we break down this guy double-speak to get to what Don Henley called the "heart of the matter."
As you can see ladies, this gent's not looking for Ms. Right so much as he is seeking Ms. Right-now.
Next, let's examine an ad typical of one placed by a lady yearning for romance.
Attractive female, 29, average height and weight, searching for her soul mate. I enjoy travel, reading and getting to know someone over time. Seeking a hard-working, romantic guy, who wants something special that will last forever. Must like kids.
OK guys, let's wade through the estrogen smokescreen and find out what's she's really saying.
As you can see, my study proves conclusively that what men want and what women desire only correspond after 10 or more drinks in a singles bar.
So the next time that you read a newspaper piece about a study stating something obvious, like the fact that men watch football to see all of the players, while women fixate on the "tight ends" of the players, know that thousands of dollars in grants wasn't needed to come to that conclusion. It's all just part of what B.B. King once called that "guy-girl thang."
| Niagara Falls Reporter | www.niagarafallsreporter.com | August 6 2002 |