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WARNING LABELS DESIGNED WITH MORONS IN MIND

In case you missed it, the 2001 winners were just released in the Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch's "Wackiest Warning Label" contest.

Since 1997 M-Law, a non-partisan watchdog over the courts, has solicited examples of crazy warning labels from around the nation.

The top three for this past year were some of the craziest labels ever seen by the judging panel.

Third place was taken by this warning on a box of birthday candles: "DO NOT use soft wax as earplugs or for any other function that involves insertion into a body cavity."

Second place honors went to this warning for deep thinkers printed on a manufactured fireplace log: "Caution -- Risk of Fire."

The top prize was awarded to this label on a CD player: "Do not use the Ultradisc2000 as a projectile in a catapult."

Each year, hundreds of submissions are received before they are whittled down to five finalists for the top prize. Here's a look at some of the top submissions from recent years.

• A warning label found on a baby stroller cautions the user to "remove child before folding."
• A prescription of sleeping pills advises, "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
• An "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter cautions, "Do not use near fire, flame or sparks."
• A label on a hand-held massager tells consumers not to use "while sleeping or unconscious."
• A cartridge for a laser printer includes this warning, "Do not eat toner."
• A household iron cautions users, "Never iron clothes while they are being worn."
• A 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow forewarns that it is "not intended for highway use."
• A Holmes Bathroom Heater states, "This product is not to be used in bathrooms."
• A can of self-defense pepper spray cautions users, "May irritate eyes."
• A warning on a pair of shin guards manufactured for bicyclists notes, "Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover."
• A sticker on a toilet at a public facility in Ann Arbor, Mich. warns, "Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking."
• A label on a jet ski states, "Warning: Riders of personal watercraft may suffer injury due to forceful injection of water into body cavities either by falling into the water or while mounting the craft."
• A warning on an electric router made for carpenters cautions, "This product not intended for use as a dental drill."
• A novelty rock garden set called "Popcorn Rock" includes the caution, "Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth!"

These completely true labels are indeed wacky and entertaining. Possibly you have stumbled across some zany labels on products that you have purchased for your household. When I was a child, I used to collect those little plastic National Football League helmets that were sold out of quarter vending machines at the supermarket. Encased in the little plastic bubble, along with the helmet, was a caution label that read: "Warning -- Not intended for use as a real football helmet."

I guess that was to prevent lawsuits from paraplegic Ken dolls.

Not quite in the same category -- but humorous just the same -- was the roll of toilet paper that I purchased that stated: "Manufactured in Flushing, New York."

The time has come, however, for the work of the good people at M-Law to be taken one step farther.

I hereby give you C-SAW's (Croisdale's Sardonically Anchored Wit) first annual "Wacky Labels That Should Be Printed."

The criterion is simple -- the following are labels that do not exist, but should, based on real, documented events.

Here are this year's top 10 entries, along with the three grand prize finalists.

• Warning label on AquaFalls fencing: Caution -- "Coming soon" can be construed as a euphemism for "never."
• Warning on the back of a Buffalo Bills season ticket: Caution -- Pop Warner team, not to be confused with real NFL outfit.
• Caution on a Winona Ryder make-up kit for girls: Warning -- This product retails for $4.99 or you can just jam it into your blouse when no one is looking.
• Warning on K-Mart receipt: Caution -- The next blue light that you see may be leading our funeral procession.
• Caution label on the back of a Michael Jackson "Moonwalker" wristwatch: Warning -- Despite what Michael may tell you, it's not always time for bed when the big hand is on the little hand.
• Warning label on an Evander Holyfield action doll: Caution -- Do not chew doll's ears unless you've been turned down for a boxing license in a minimum of 10 states.
• Warning label for all Little League sporting events: Caution -- Parents, this is a game played by kids for the enjoyment of kids. Enjoy the game and, for God's sake, keep your big trap closed and your fanny in your seat at all times.

2nd Runner-Up

Caution label on a bag of pretzels: Warning -- May cause choking in the leader of the free world.

1st Runner-Up

Warning label on Enron Stock: Caution -- The value of this stock may disappear faster than a David Copperfield assistant on a network prime time special.

2001 Grand Prize Winner

Caution label printed above the masthead of the Niagara Gazette: Warning -- This newspaper contains all the news that's fit to misprint.

Niagara Falls Reporter

www.niagarafallsreporter.com

February 19 2002