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Hey parents, there's only a few shopping days left to get your child a Halloween costume. As you may have heard, in light of the terrorist attacks of Sept. 11, many federal agencies are calling on parents to dress their kids in alternative costuming for this year's trick-or-treating. The thought is that traditional get-ups -- like vampires, werewolves and mummies -- won't be appropriate this Oct. 31.
For the convenience of my readership, I've outlined the following scorecard of the top costumes that children throughout Niagara County will be wearing on Halloween night. For those of you keeping score at home, we've placed a box next to each costume so that you can check it off when a kid appears wearing it at your door.
If a child knocks on your door wearing rumpled clothing and sporting an unkempt beard, he's not a hobo -- he's former Vice-President Al Gore.
If a kid keeps showing up at your door over and over again, to the point that it seems he has an ubiquitous presence there -- he's Attorney General John Ashcroft.
Suppose a kid yells "no" in your face, while another kid dressed in an Armani suit and Rolex watch stuffs $100 bills in his pocket -- why they're New York State Speaker of the Assembly Sheldon Silver and billionaire casino tycoon Donald Trump.
A small girl shows up at your door walking with a waddle and advises you to "follow the yellow brick road." A munchkin from Oz? No, silly, she's Mayor Irene Elia.
If a kid stands on your porch angrily screaming for more candy, only to drop a Snickers bar when you toss it to him -- he's Buffalo Bills receiver Peerless Price.
If a small kid stands at the far end of your driveway and yells, "Trick or treat," in a booming voice that carries to your ears unamplified -- why, it is Convention and Visitors' Bureau spokesman Tom Darro. c If a kid turns down your offer of candy bars and instead asks for a Coke, then attempts to snort it -- he's actor Robert Downey, Jr.
If a little girl rings your bell and you open your door to find nothing but a smiling skeleton staring back at you -- get the camera out, it's Ally McBeal's Calista Flockhart.
A little boy in a surfer dude costume keeps falling on his butt in your front yard as he backs away from your house -- you guessed it, he's Buffalo Bills Quarterback Rob Johnson.
A kid hides in your bushes, then " whacks" kids leaving your porch, stealing their goodie bags -- he's television's Tony Soprano.
A kid in a baseball uniform takes your candy bar, then bets you 2-to-1 that he can slide head-first through your doggy door without getting hurt -- of course, it's Cincinnati Reds great Pete Rose.
A boy heroically comes to the aid of a group of kids that have gotten sick eating poisoned candy and asks if he can stay on your porch until Valentine's Day to "get the job done" -- why, it's New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani.
A young girl shows up at your door, pointing to a picture of herself on the back of a milk carton, and asks, "Does anyone still care about me?" It's Gary Condit's former lover Chandra Levy.
A young "Goth" boy, in black clothes and white makeup, returns the apple you gave him because there's not a razor in it -- he's singer Marilyn Manson.
A young boy in white desert robes with a long black beard and a big yellow streak down his back knocks on your door? Send him back to his cave empty-handed -- it's Osama bin Laden.
You open your door to find a boy with his foot stuck squarely in his mouth -- why, it's "Politically Incorrect" host Bill Maher.
A plump boy in a duck costume serenades you with alternate verses of "Three Times a Lady" and "It's Raining Men" -- bow down, you're in the presence of royalty -- it's Sir Elton John.
A girl stands under your porch light and keeps recounting her candy -- she's former Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris.
A blond-haired young man in baggy clothes with a backwards baseball cap on asks for candy with the following rap: "Yo, M*****F*****, you better give me a treat or I'll turn a trick with your ho of a daughter" -- relax, he's just shock-rapper Eminem.
You peek through your curtains and see a short, balding kid waiting on your stoop. When you open the door, he's gone and you never see him again -- is it the Invisible Man? No, it's Vice President Dick Cheney.
I hope this listing helps you identify all of the little Billy's and Susie's that will be knocking on your door this Halloween.
Have a safe and happy Halloween and if a kid comes to your door wearing a fireman's uniform, give him an extra candy bar because there's a real-life hero standing before you.