There will be no need to ask your friends what they got for Christmas this year -- not if they live in New York state, anyway.
What the good denizens of the Empire State will find tucked into their stockings this Dec. 25 is a host of new taxes proposed by Gov. David Paterson as a means to close a $15.4 billion deficit.
Among the proposed new taxes are a number of novelties. Sugary sodas would be taxed at 18 percent. Haircuts would now be fair game for the taxman, as would clothing and footwear priced under $110. The gasoline tax cap of 8 percent would be eliminated.
Many people were blindsided by the governor's proposal and are in shock at the thought of being charged more by a state that already taxes at a rate among the highest in the union.
Heard at barber shops and watering holes around the Empire State this past week were comments like "What else can they possibly tax us for?"
It's not uncommon for delicate and confidential documents to make their way under the door of the Reporter's office inside the trendy Niagara Business Center. Such was the case this past week when an envelope arrived containing Paterson's first draft of proposed tax increases. If you think having to pony up a few extra pennies for your RC Cola is ridiculous, just wait until you get a load of what's on the cutting room floor.
The Ice Tax
Why stop at taxing sugary drinks? Why not charge for the cup of ice that comes with most soda fountain purchases? The gov thought it was a cool idea in more ways than one.
The tax would be 10 percent per cup of ice in a drink. Think you can skip the tax by skipping the ice? No way. Drinks with no ice are taxed at 15 percent.
The Thunderstorm Tax
People already pay a water bill, so why should natural water be free? Each time a thunderstorm drops rain on your lawn, $5 is added to your water bill. Get those buckets ready.
The Expanded Express Lane Tax
Don't you just hate it when some wisenheimer tries to sneak nine items through the "Seven Item or Less" express lane? So does the governor. That's why he proposed this tax that automatically adds an additional 10 percent onto your grocery bill for each item over the limit of seven.
Not only do cheaters get their comeuppance, but you can help your state out by sneaking a pack of gum into the groceries of the woman in front of you.
The Tooth Fairy Tax
For centuries, parents have been slipping a coin under the pillows of their little Johnnies and Susies, and extracting a molar or bicuspid in return. That rite of passage was untaxed -- until now.
For every dollar left under a goose-feather pillow, 15 cents must make its way to Albany. One of the reasons this tax didn't make the cut is that it was deemed unfair to the parents of hockey players. The same tooth might get knocked out two or three times and be taxed repeatedly.
The Premarital Sex Tax
Sex is one of the few things that young, financially strapped couples can engage in for free. No more. Under the "Buck a Bang" program, young couples would have to pay after they'd played.
The governor considered charging married couples the same tax. A red ink note in the margins said, "With so little frequency, wouldn't be worth the trouble of collecting."
The TV Catch Phrase Tax
Nothing is more pathetic than otherwise sane people incorporating television catch phrases into their conversations. You know the type -- the guy who sees a pretty girl and bobs his head while saying "Giggity." How about the girl who watches her boyfriend smash his head on a cupboard door and chimes in with "Doh"?
Those trendy television teasers would be taxed at 25 cents per usage. When pressed on why he wanted this tax, Paterson reportedly responded, "Did I do that?"
The Flipping the Bird Tax
You can see the thought process on this one. Sort of like a swear jar that some businesses set up. Raise your middle digit in anger and pay a 50-cent tax. Flip someone the double bird, and the tax quadruples to $2. It would make for some interesting exchanges:
"Hey, eff you, man."
"Eff me? You're the one getting effed -- by Albany!"
The Vowel Tax
Evidently the old gov is a fan of "Wheel of Fortune."
On the popular game show, consonants are always free, but vowels are $250 a pop. Under Paterson's plan, the same type of setup would apply for journalists.
Consonants could be doled out with reckless abandon, as they would be untaxed, but every "a," "e," "i," "o," "u" and sometimes "y" would cost a quarter in taxes. This paragraph alone would set me back $14.75.
The C. Everett Coop Tax
Beards and mustaches go together like peanut butter and jelly -- as the governor's choice of facial hair will tell you. Want to wear a naked beard like the one sported by the former surgeon general? Fine, but it will cost you.
A 1 percent tax on your gross income will give you the right to walk around with a look that frightens babies and old ladies alike. Reverse mohawks, ear plates and face and neck tattoos are subject to the same tax.
The Karaoke Tax
Think you can sing? You can't.
Think anyone wants to hear you try? They don't.
A $5-per-song tax might not balance the budget, but it will stifle a lot of voices not meant to be heard outside the shower.
The Vanity Tax
Some women just live for those moments in front of a fashion-store triple mirror, ogling themselves in a slinky black dress.
The good gov decided one look was enough. After that, an additional 1 percent tax would be added to your bill for each narcissistic glance into the polished glass.
Some folks might think this tax is extravagant -- but not if the dress makes your ass look magnificent!
The Tax Tax
How can a new set of tax laws be taken seriously if "tax" -- the word, that is -- is free?
Under Paterson's folly, using the word "tax" would lead to a 5 percent tax being added onto whatever product was being touted.
Tax services would be hit with the tax as they tried to help folks avoid paying it themselves. Taxidermists would have to charge you a little more to stuff old Rover. Taxi companies would have to add an additional charge to a meter that would soon spin like a roulette wheel.
One final tax that Paterson considered before ashcanning it was the "Tidings and Good Cheer" tax.
If it had gone through, it would have cost you in the pocketbook to wish your neighbors "Happy holidays."
So before the governor decides to sift through his trashcan and add some of these taxes to his already long list of laughable levies and ditzy duties, let me say on behalf of all of us here at the Reporter, "Have a very merry Christmas and a less-taxing New Year."
| Niagara Falls Reporter | www.niagarafallsreporter.com | December 23 2008 |