Another Thanksgiving holiday is in the books. This year, we pause to honor those worthy of being honored as part of the Eighth Annual Croisdale Turkey Carcass Awards.
As most of you know, the Turkey Carcass is awarded to those who have publicly embarrassed themselves with criminal or blatantly outlandish behavior. The winners will be presented with a nearly picked-clean Thanksgiving turkey -- much like the one currently taking up roost in your refrigerator.
The first category: Hollywood celebrities (The Jacko Wacko Memorial Award)
Second runner-up: Joaquin Phoenix
What did Phoenix do that was so bad, you ask? He retired, that's what. No, not just retired, but he gave up a critically acclaimed and highly profitable acting career in his prime to work on, in his words, "My music."
Now, I don't know about you, but I didn't leave the theater after watching "Walk the Line" thinking that Phoenix was so convincing as Johnny Cash that I'd like to hear him do his own stuff. In fact, with Reese Witherspoon in the flick, I didn't even know he was there.
The whole thing reminds me of the time David Bowie announced that he wasn't going to sing "Fame," "Suffragette City," or any other of his hits. He and his band were just going to play their new tunes. Some 150 nearly empty halls later, and suddenly "Changes" and "Rebel Rebel" didn't sound so bad to old Ziggy Stardust.
So enjoy retirement, Joaquin, because your musical career should last about as long as Michael Jordan's baseball career did.
First runner-up: Gary Busey
Busey's life is almost like a bad Hollywood sitcom pitch.
"OK, here's the thing, OK? The lead is a big movie star, but he gets into a motorcycle accident and, get this, he's not wearing a helmet. Now he's got permanent brain damage and hilarity ensues."
The acclaimed star of "The Buddy Holly Story" began 2008 by accosting Ryan Seacrest, Laura Linney and Jennifer Garner on the red carpet at the Oscars. The funniest part of the exchange was that none of the three seemed to have any idea of who Busey is or how he made it past security.
Poor Gary followed up that stunt by appearing on VH1's "Celebrity Rehab." No real crime there except that Busey deluded himself into thinking that he was there to be on the staff with host Dr. Drew and not as a patient.
Here's hoping 2009 is kinder to Mr. Busey, but as Buddy Holly once sang, "That'll Be the Day."
The Carcass goes to ... Ryan and Redmond O'Neal
Here's the story: Son of well-known Hollywood actor gets busted for DUI and drug possession. Son moves in with dad to stay clean. Cops raid home of the two men to ensure that the son is complying with the clean-living conditions of his probation. Cops find narcotics believed to belong to son and methamphetamines that they pin on old dad. Both are arrested and face sentencing in January 2009. Here's a bit more of the story: Ryan O'Neal has four kids by three women, and three of those kids have been arrested for drugs within the past 36 months.
It's true that it's only a paper moon, but that doesn't mean you should smoke it.
Our second category: World leaders
Second runner-up, First runner-up, and the Carcass goes to ... Alaska governor Sarah Palin
Technically, she's not really a world leader, but she did aspire to play one on TV. What cannot be debated is the fact that the Republican VP pick hit the national consciousness like a grasshopper smacking against the windshield of a speeding Maserati.
She is a Carcass winner because she couldn't name a single newspaper, not one, when questioned by Katie Couric about her favorite publications.
The pundits called her an "all or nothing" pick for McCain. Well, he got the lighter part of those two offerings.
Many people said they stayed clear of the Republican ticket because of Palin's inexperience. I think that many others voted Democrat because they didn't want a VP that might sneak into their thoughts when they were polishing the wedding tackle.
The third category: Sports figures
Second runner-up: Chad Johnson, wide receiver, Cincinnati Bengals
Hey, look at Chad Johnson's latest TD skit -- isn't it funny? He's pretending to be a maitre d' and "serving" the ball under glass to the referee.
Hey, did you hear that Johnson is referring to himself as Ocho Cinco -- his number, 85, in Spanish -- in honor of Hispanic Heritage Month? What a guy.
Hey, did you hear that Chad legally changed his last name to Ocho Cinco so that he could wear it on the back of his jersey? Did you also hear that he will wear his old name of Johnson because of a lucrative contract he signed with Reebok a couple of years back? Have you decided that you've got at least 85 reasons not to hear from Chad again? Me too.
First runner-up: Roger Clemens, former MLB pitcher
There was a time, not so long ago, when people called Clemens the best pitcher ever. They cited his 354 wins, his 4,672 career strikeouts, his 11 all-star appearances and his 7 Cy Young Awards as definitive proof that "The Rocket" belonged in Cooperstown and deserved to be thought of as the best ever.
That was before the congressional hearings into steroid abuse in baseball. It was before Clemens goaded politicians to bring it on, and they did.
It was also before the New York Daily News broke the story that Clemens was suspected of having a longtime affair with country music singer Mindy McCready -- one that began when she was just 15 years old.
Now folks still debate on whether Clemens was the best ever -- the best ever fall from grace for a sports star.
The Carcass goes to ... Julio Castillo, pitcher, Peoria Chiefs
What could be nicer than taking the kids to a minor league baseball game in July? People taking in a game between the Single A Dayton Dragons and Peoria Chiefs had to be wondering how Abner Doubleday's creation went so terribly wrong.
It all started when the managers of the two squads came out to argue over a call. Castillo snapped and decided to fire a ball into the dugout of the Dragons. Being a Single A pitcher, his control was off, and the ball sailed into the stands, striking and injuring a fan. A melee broke out that ultimately was broken up by police. Fifteen players and both managers were ejected.
Castillo, a native of the Dominican Republic, faces felonious assault charges and possible deportation if convicted. Someone should tell him that baseball is a genteel sport.
The next category: Criminals
Second runner-up: Paul William Young, Roseburg, Ore.
Here's a tip for those of you who may find yourselves drunk and being tailed in a high-speed pursuit by police. Don't stop at the elementary school to pick up your kids.
That's just what the 35-year-old was accused of doing in his pickup truck after police spotted him slamming into a mailbox and plowing into street signs. The good news is that he didn't have an opportunity to take his kids to happy hour.
First runner-up: Barry Kramer, South Salt Lake, Utah
Question: What could be worse than holding up a golf shop with a 10-inch butcher knife?
Answer: Holding up a golf shop with a 10-inch butcher knife while wearing a pair of men's underwear as a mask.
The stunned clerk responded to the "Fruit of the Loom" bandit by saying, "You gotta be kidding me." He then tried to grab the knife, and cut his hands. This caused the "Hanes Heist" to completely fall apart as Kramer took off running across the greens.
The clerk alerted some golfers, who took off in pursuit in a golf cart. They held Kramer down until police arrived. The only briefs the 48-year-old robber will be holding up to his face from now on will be legal ones.
The Carcass goes to ... Unknown Assailant, Wrights Corners, N.Y.
Back in October, an unknown person became enraged with slow service at a McDonald's drive-through at the eastern end of Niagara County. Having presumably just read of the dangers of suppressing one's anger, the criminal took out his frustration on the order box by smashing into it with his car.
"McRage," the police blotter dubbed the crime, and thousands who have waited for Quarter Pounders and Big Macs that came too slow to be called fast food nodded their heads in agreement.
To this day, the order box lies flat on its side as a reminder of what happens when your meal is not so happy at McDonalds.
Our final category: Local turkeys
Second runner-up: John Percy, NTCC
The head of the county's tourism arm had a rough year. First, he lost a bid to retain the rights to the two main tourism centers that feed Niagara Falls along the New York State Thruway.
Second, he took major heat for his expensive trips to India to promote tourism here from folks who feel that a trip to Detroit or Syracuse would net just as many, if not more, heads in beds for local motels.
With the Canadian dollar back down, 2009 will prove to be a telling year as to Percy's abilities to run the NTCC.
First runner-up: Sam Hoyt, state assemblyman
There are affairs, and then there are affairs. Hoyt put the "T" in "tawdry" when the details of his love trysts with a young intern were made public.
There's no need for any cutesy lines from me; let's let the honorable Mr. Hoyt's own words speak -- in a little ditty he called "What I Wish" -- for the callous disregard he has for both his marriage vows and his public oaths:
"that I could be painting your toenails right now ... that I could see you do that little cheerleader move ... that you could be my human alarm clock ... that I could be your human lollipop ... that I could be modeling my cool penguin boxers for you tonight ... that you could tell me I am yummy (I love that) ... that I could see your ducks ..."
The Carcass goes to ... former mayor Vince Anello
Fivepeat!
I wanted to give this award to someone else this year -- I really did. But the winemaker-turned-mayor just wouldn't go gentle into that good night.
After years of investigations by the FBI, the former city head was brought up on charges of taking money from "Smokin' Joe" Anderson that was played off as a loan.
Many folks close to the investigation believe that the feds' evidence, along with Anderson's rollover, will spell jail time for Anello. If so, it will be a sad, sad chapter in local politics.
The only good news to come from the whole sordid mess is vindication of my friend and colleague Mike Hudson. Mike, as you may recall, broke the story to the catcalls of the other local newspapers. They said it was much ado about nothing; now Anello wishes it was all just a midsummer night's dream.
Congratulations to all of this year's Turkey Carcass Award winners. As always, we raise a wishbone in your honor and, clutching the big piece, wish all of you a future lived in total obscurity. Amen.
| Niagara Falls Reporter | www.niagarafallsreporter.com | December 2 2008 |