As another year comes to an end and we stand on the cusp of a fresh start, now is the time that we turn our attention to the important matter of New Year's resolutions. Many of you have already sat down with pen and paper at hand and resolved to do things like lose weight, laugh often and spend more time at home and less at the office. Here's wishing that you find the inner resolve to adhere to your resolutions and that they don't become something that you give up for Lent.
But we've got some printer's ink to use up, and I thought it might be a fun exercise to make a resolution or two on behalf of some folks who might not be able to accurately hold the mirror up to their own flaws and shortcomings. Besides, it's a lot more entertaining to think about what other people need to do to improve in your eyes than about how you need to eat more rice cakes and fewer cupcakes.
So without further fanfare, let's get on with our list of New Year's Resolutions for 2007.
I, outgoing New York State Gov. George Pataki, pledge to remove Western New York from my resume as being part of the territory that I governed. I do this because, in retrospect, I realize that I treated this proud section of the Empire State much like a rented mule throughout my tenure as governor. I spent as little time possible on the shores of the Great Lakes that serve as the western boundary for our state, and when I did shuffle off to Buffalo, it was usually to float grandiose ideas that never came to fruition, such as the deals to have Adelphia Cable and Bass Pro anchor the waterfront redevelopment project.
As a final slap in the face to the people of the Niagara Frontier, I chose to have a new coal-burning plant built in Tonawanda at a facility that has never done it before and believes that it can't sell the generated electricity at a profit. In doing this, I turned down a bid from the AES plant in Somerset. The fact that AES does have a successful track record of turning a tidy profit from its existing coal burning facility wasn't enough to sway my vote their way. Apparently, neither was the fact that the Niagara County IDA voted to give AES a multimillion-dollar PILOT that will hit the folks of eastern Niagara County hard in the pocketbook now that a new plant won't be coming to the shores of Lake Ontario. I have failed horribly to grow the economy in Western New York and wish the denizens there a much smoother ride under the steward of the new governor.
I, President George W. Bush, have learned the value of being right over being consistent and hereby vow to remove the words "Stay the course" from my vocabulary forever.
We, Donald Trump and Rosie O'Donnell, pledge to continue our hilarious war of words into 2007, as it is far more entertaining than anything regularly seen on network television programming.
"By the way, I also pledge never to take Rosie to any dances in 2007. I took her to one last week and the band skipped."
"That's really funny, especially coming from a guy with a hairdo that ferrets find as a suitable nest."
"Keep it up, Rosie, and I'll send someone over from the cast of 'The L Word' to steal your girlfriend."
"Yeah, you should talk about losing women. You've been 'fired' more times than all of the contestants on that dopey show of yours."
"Speaking of that, Rosie, you're fired!"
"You can't fire me, you're fired."
"Hey Rosie, this is getting us nowhere. How about I make it up to you by taking you out for New Year's? I see you're already donning your gay apparel."
"You just couldn't help yourself, could you, Donald?"
I, Mayor Vince Anello, swear that I will learn a lesson from the thousands of henchmen, cronies and nefarious characters that have accepted payouts throughout the ages, and insist on cold, hard cash in a brown paper bag. Yes indeed, paper trails are bad, very bad. Wait a minute, should I even be writing this down?
We, the Dixie Chicks, are glad that the rest of y'all finally caught up with us, and pledge to spend 2007 as a thorn in the side of y'all who want us to just shut up and sing.
I, bestselling author James Patterson, vow to continue my breakneck pace of putting new titles on the bookstore shelves for your reading pleasure. To this end, I will not only continue my recent practice of having co-authors for my titles, but will up the number of them exponentially to keep pace with the reading demands of my fervent public.
In 2007, expect to see a new James Patterson thriller at your local bookseller daily. That's right, 365 titles for 365 days. As a teaser, here are a few of the book titles you'll be seeing in the New Year: I is for Ego, 50 Ghost Writers Keep the Cash Registers Ringing, 100 Million More in My Bank Account, 365 Days Are Not Enough (To Get Your James Patterson Fix).
I, O.J. Simpson, pledge to finish my new book in time for the 2007 Christmas season. The title? "If I Were to Disappear from the Public's Consciousness, Here's How I'd Do It."
We, Mel Gibson and Michael Richards, vow to continue to support one another throughout 2007. We're still not sure what all the fuss was about, because Mel's not an anti-Semite and Michael's not a racist. For the record: We were taken out of context and we were drunk. Anyway, now that all of this Hanukkah and Kwanzaa nonsense is out of the way, we hope you all had a white (wink, wink) Christmas and we'll see you in the New Year.
We, Gilles Assouline, Harry Williams and David Ho, pledge to make 2007 the year that AquaFalls makes a huge splash in downtown Niagara Falls. We have the funding, and just wait until you see the wonder of thousands of sea creatures in ... What's that? They filled in the hole? There's no more hole? Please tell us they didn't fill in the hole. It took us forever to dig that hole.
And finally ...
I, Britney Spears, pledge to be saying a lot of "Oops, I did it again," and going commando each and every day of 2007.
Happy New Year, one and all.
| Niagara Falls Reporter | www.niagarafallsreporter.com | December 27 2006 |