On the date of this newspaper's publication, you will have but a scant six days to complete your Christmas shopping. For those of you who began your holiday shopping weeks ago in the predawn hours of Black Friday, this column is not for you. You're far too organized to purchase the ill-conceived gifts that the last-minute procrastinators spring on their friends and loved ones each holiday season.
This offering is for those of you who will soon be scurrying through the malls and discount stores, picking among the non-sellers and leftovers as the final hours tick down to Santa's yearly arrival. You know who you are: Mr. "Maybe the wife would like a box of Dominican cigars" and Mrs. "I bet John would really like tickets to the opera." For you gift-challenged folks, I'd like to dust off an old Reporter chestnut and offer the following new list of items never to be given as Christmas gifts.
Fast Food Gift Certificate
While it is certainly true that America is addicted to fast food, that doesn't green-light you to give them a Whopper of a gift this year. Fast food is filled with artery-clogging fat and cholesterol, and is a big part of our nation's obesity problem. Giving your fat uncle Mac a gift card to get a Big Mac is akin to giving your sober aunt Margaret a home Margarita kit. Let folks make personal indulgence choices on their own. Besides, the look on fat Mac's face when he opens his gym-membership gift certificate will be priceless.
Christmas CD
Every year stars from the world of music figure to cash a quick buck by putting out a recycled version of hackneyed holiday standards. This year James Taylor has grabbed on to the udders of the Christmas cash cow. The problem with giving a holiday CD as a present is that the recipient will most likely open it on Christmas morning. By then folks have heard enough renditions of "Jingle Bells" and "Frosty the Snowman" to be looking forward to a true silent night. Your gift will be tossed in the storage box with the bulbs and the garland, not to be found until next Christmas. The first time they slip it into the CD player, they'll say, "This is really good. I wish I could remember who gave it to me last year."
Magazine Subscription
Guessing what type of magazine a person might want to read is like guessing what type of underwear they're sporting. For instance, you might be thinking your brother Jack likes to work on his house and his car, so a subscription to "Popular Mechanics" would be the perfect gift. Jack, as his eyes lie to you on Christmas morning, is thinking, "What do I look like -- some five-thumbed amateur? 'Popular Mechanics' is going to be quite popular in the dumpster behind my condo."
T-Shirt That Makes a Statement
You've seen them: "I'm with stupid," "If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?" "Got MILF?" Have you ever had the urge to wear one yourself? Didn't think so. Neither have your family and friends, so pass that kiosk by as you make your way through the mall.
Adult Fantasy Camp Certificate
On paper it looks like a home run. In reality it's a smoker down the center of the plate that catches you looking at strike three. What adult male over 30 doesn't want to relive his childhood? The thought of shagging flies with the 1954 Cleveland Indians or taking batting practice with the '73 A's is a dream come true. Until it comes true, that is. It's not that you find out just how far you really are from a major leaguer that bums you out, it's finding out how far your heroes of yesterday are from their former selves that does the trick. Seeing Bob Feller dribble one in from the mound or watching Sal Bando rocket a screamer that falls short of second base will serve little more purpose than to break a sports lover's heart. Do them a favor and don't revisit the ghosts of Christmas past with your holiday gifting.
Singing Fish or Deer Head
I know, I know, your dad's a hunter, and it seemed like a good idea when you were standing in the aisle in Wal-Mart. A mounted fish that sings "Take Me to the River" or a buck that croons "Shotgun" is funny for all of 30 seconds. After that, Dad will want to mount your head on his wall.
Last Year's Elmo Product
You've got to hand it to the Sesame Street people. They've turned that lovable furry red monster into a supreme marketer and pitchman. Each Christmas, the new Elmo is a must-have, can't-find gift for the preschool set. Many shoppers make the mistake of buying any Elmo they stumble upon, thinking that a 5-year-old cannot tell one ball of red fur from the next. Wrong! If you want to spend Christmas morning serenaded by church bells and not the shrieks and wails of a disappointed kindergartner, you'd better not try and pass off Chicken Dance Elmo as anything more than last year's leftovers.
And finally ...
An "I Owe You One" Coupon Book
What an ingenious idea for the gift-giver with hooks in his pockets. This is a gift that amounts to, well, nothing. If you really love the person you're giving it to, you'd do those things for them anyway. Why should your significant other have to hand you a coupon for one "free" hug or back rub? Why not create a coupon that says, "This coupon good for one day of me going to work and providing for our family"? Or how about one stating, "This coupon entitles you to have me kill one bug that you find crawling across the kitchen floor"? Here's a tip: If you are going to give your love a coupon book this Christmas, it had better be for services at a day spa or dinners at a fancy restaurant.
Well, there you have it, another list of gifts to avoid at all costs. If you stay away from the items on this list, you're guaranteed to have a joyous and merry Christmas. If you receive any of these gifts this year, remember that a present may have been chosen in haste, but is always given in love. Now, if someone would kindly point me to the aisle with the "I'm not getting smaller, I'm backing away from you" T-shirts, my holiday shopping will be complete.
| Niagara Falls Reporter | www.niagarafallsreporter.com | December 19 2006 |