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Hey stupid.Yeah, you. Uncle Sam wants you. So does Madison Avenue, for that matter. In fact, what's happening right now is a bona fide movement from coast to coast and all you have to do to participate is to be a living, breathing citizen of the United States of America in the year 2001. The name of this movement is the "Dumbing Down of America" and it's coming at you quicker than former V.P. Dan Quayle can force an "e" onto the end of the word, "potato."
But I'm anything but stupid, you say. Why, I've even got a four-year college degree. Well, thermometers have degrees, too, and you know where some people stick them. Besides, what self-respecting university is going to throw away a perfectly delicious $20,000-a-year tuition over something as trivial as your G.P.A.?
"Chancellor, I'm a little concerned over student Smith's output this semester. He's missed 80 percent of my classes and flunked every exam that he sobered up enough to show up for. What should I do?"
"I've got two important questions, Professor. Number one, are his parents all square with the Bursar's Office?"
"Why, yes, they are."
"Good, and number two, can he fog a mirror?"
"I'm quite sure that he can, Chancellor, definitely."
"Then what is your question about this fine "C" student, Professor?"
"I see your point, Chancellor. Never mind."
I know what you're saying, very funny but, come on, no one on the planet is more progressive than we Americans are -- we set the standard that others follow. Oh yeah? Tell me, how many $2 bills do you have tucked away in old books, sock drawers or safety deposit boxes? They'll be worth something one day, you thought. You were right, they are -- two bucks. Know why? Because everyone and their brother has got a hundred or so of them stashed away. For something to be valuable it has to be rare and $2 bills have about as much of a chance of increasing in value as does dryer lint. It doesn't end with the deuce notes, though. Were you one of the people who spent all of your Susan B. Anthony dollar coins as quarters? And when is the last time you got one of the new ballyhooed Sacagawea dollars back with your change? More sock drawer trinkets are all they are. Now, in Canada they actually use their Loonies and Toonies and save a fortune in yearly currency production cost to boot. But what do a bunch of crazy Canadians know anyway?
Want further proof that we've dumbed down as a nation? Go to the bathroom and check the directions on your bottle of shampoo -- it doesn't matter what brand you use. For best results, lather, rinse, repeat. Repeat! You know that some Darren Stevens wannabe down at McMahon and Tate came up with that in response to a shampoo exec's query of, "How do we get people to use twice as much of our product as they do now?"
How long will it be before we see this principle applied to other products? Can you envision cereal boxes with this directive? For best results, fill bowl, add milk, eat, repeat. Why, the Gross National Product will skyrocket. Imagine the terrible stress put on senior women, already dealing with the pressure of keeping up with rejuvenated husbands, when they start printing these types of directions on bottles of Viagra?
Other products have dumbed down labels also. Buy a bag of dry roasted peanuts and read the fine print. Ingredients -- dry roasted peanuts. Uh, thanks. For a minute there I thought that they might have slipped Caviar into some of the shells. How about a bag of ice? Ingredients -- frozen water. Is that how they do it? Scientists, go figure. Even stranger is the fact that a close inspection of a box of Post Grape Nuts will find neither grapes nor nuts listed amongst the ingredients.
Do you remember a decade ago when sample bottles of Sunlight Dishwashing Detergent were delivered door-to-door featuring a sunburst on the label stating, "Made with real lemon juice"?
Thousands of people phoned poison hot lines complaining that they were violently ill because, they suspected, their free sample of lemon juice had been spiked with dish soap. Stupid people? No, just par for the course.
Back in the enlightened days of the 1970's, kids working at McDonald's actually had to be able to read to work the cash register. They had to be able to discern the phrase,"Chicken McSandwich" from "Chicken McNuggets," for example. Not in the dumbed-down 21st century, though. Now the McDonald's cash register keyboard is completely coded with McHieroglyphics. Someone wants a Big Mac, no problem. Just punch the picture of the Big Mac and, voila, the price appears on the screen -- no muss, no fuss. The customers have to read the price for themselves because our schools long ago gave up trying to explain the decimal system to kids too zoned out from hours in front of the television to be able to focus in the classroom.
If you want to experience the ultimate example of the dumbing down of America, you need to take a drive down the New York State Thruway and stop at the burger chain named after singing cowboy Roy Rogers. Unwrap your Roy Burger and take a close look at the under-side of the wrapper. In the direct center, you'll find a circle, about twice the circumference of a silver dollar, along with the following words, "Place burger here."
Possibly old Roy was just being thorough. He is, after all, the man who stuffed his horse Trigger and his dog Bullet after they died and put them on display at his ranch. This prompted his wife, the lovely Dale Evans, to remark, "Thank heavens the good Lord took Roy before he took me." I'll bet, however, that quite a few customers received burgers wrapped in some perverse form of origami before Roy took such drastic measures.
Now, don't despair. The government, advertising agencies and large corporations may treat you like mindless carbon units, but that will never happen here at the Niagara Falls Reporter. We realize our readers are highly evolved, cultured and refined individuals and we will never insult your intelligence or sensibilities -- on that you have our word.
(You can turn the page now and move on. This column is over.)