There is nothing that we enjoy more here at the Niagara Falls Reporter than receiving mail from you, our dear readers. Each week, we publish some of the most poignant and compelling pieces of correspondence on our Letters to the Editor page.
Most of the missives that make it into print are those that deal with hot political topics or that take one of our talented writers to task for opinions expressed in a previous week's column.
But what of the rest of the mail? We here at the Reporter take seriously our responsibility as beacons of the community. As such, we believe it our fate-driven duty to answer each and every one of your letters, regardless of how inane or ridiculously misguided they may be.
We feel that it is important for you to know that we are here for you to reach out to, whenever you may need comforting or reassurance. So, without further ado, let's go to the mailbag.
D. Greene of Lewiston writes:
I have been reading your paper since the first issue and I can't decide if I'm afflicted or comfortable? Can you help?
Dear D.:
Relax, you are definitely afflicted. If you were comfortable we'd have taken you down by now.
E. Bloom of Niagara Falls queries:
I bought a package of the old Jarts lawn darts on e-Bay. You know, the ones that are now illegal because the sharp point could be dangerous. Anyway, to make a long story short, the directions clearly state, "DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, STICK THESE INTO YOUR EYE." I, of course, read them and then immediately stuck one deep into my left eye. I'm really hurting over here. Not to mention embarrassed. Do you have any suggestions?
Dear E.:
Well, this is worth a shot. "DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, DRIVE IMMEDIATELY TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM AND SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP!"
B. Moore of DeVeaux asks:
My computer needs to be defragged and I am at my wits' end as to what to do. Can you help?
Dear B.:
Unfortunately, no. We at the Reporter are of the firm opinion that a computer's orientation, just like that of a human being, is determined at birth and no amount of intervention -- however well-meaning -- will, ahem, stop Dell from being sweet on Mac, if you catch our drift.
L. Higgins of Porter writes:
I am hoping that you can help me with my problem. People are always ignoring me. I almost feel like I'm invisible. What should I do?
J. Peters of Wheatfield ponders:
I'm really afraid of SARS. Do you think it's necessary to wear a mask from now on?
Dear J.:
First of all, the correct spelling is SEARS. Secondly, it seems quite clean in there to us, so leave the mask-wearing to the Lone Ranger, Batman, Michael Jackson and other fictional characters.
S. Grimsby of Grand Island writes:
When are you guys going to start running your pictures with your columns?
Dear S.:
Just as soon as the post office allows us to take them off of the wall and make copies.
R. Genovese asks:
Just what exactly are these "free radicals" I keep reading about that are supposed to cause so much damage?
Dear R.:
Thank you for allowing us to address such an important issue publicly. "Free radicals" can indeed cause much damage to the health and well-being of all Americans. While it is difficult to describe them accurately, we can tell you that two strong examples of damage-causing "free radicals" are Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh.
H. Feathers poses our final question for this session:
Can't you guys ever say anything nice in the paper?
Dear H.:
Ah, yes. You ask a question that we hear often. We have reviewed our past issues and it appears that you may have a point. It is possible that we can be, at times, a little heavy-handed in our approach to covering the news of the region. With that admission in mind, here you go, but just this once. "Anything nice."
Until next time, Niagara Falls.
Keep those letters and e-mails coming, because we're here for you and we care about what's on your mind.
| Niagara Falls Reporter | www.niagarafallsreporter.com | April 22 2003 |