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Well, boys and girls, we've finally bottomed out. Hit rock bottom, you might say. It's a sad, sad day for Niagara Falls, full as it is of criminal tradition and intent. Don Stefano must be rolling over in his grave.
No, I'm not talking about the six-foot-tall transvestite in a pink dress and running shoes robbing one of our local banks. Sure, that happened, but we all got a good laugh out of it, at least. I'm not even talking about the middle-schooler with the self-centered nickname of "Me Me" allegedly whacking that guy over on 10th Street because the guy allegedly scribbled some disparaging comments in chalk on the sidewalk.
This is worse, far worse. In fact, in a quarter-century of crime reporting, I've never even heard of such an atrocity. What they did on Buffalo Avenue the week before last shows just how far gone our city is. And we should all hang our heads in shame.
Because they stole rocks.
I'm not talking diamonds or precious stones, I'm talking rocks. A ton and a half of them, according to law enforcement sources close to the investigation.
And nobody heard nothing.
The stones had been placed in a landscaped area near 24th Street by a community group dedicated to beautifying their neighborhood. In addition to laying the stones, they also planted shrubbery. The shrubbery, too, was stolen.
Vandalism, the local paper called it. Yeah, right.
Back in the day, our criminals knew how to act. They'd run card games, do a little hijacking, maybe bring some illegals in from Canada. Cigarette and liquor smuggling were always profitable. A ton and a half of cigarettes would bring a pretty penny, enough to allow a fella to keep the office he used as a front open for a couple of months and maintain the cover of "respected Niagara Falls businessman" that we all so clearly enjoy. Boxing, the ponies and college football also provided lucrative sidelines.
Persons engaged in such activities indeed were men of respect, donating money to churches and hospitals, playing with their grandchildren, and bribing crooked cops and politicians to make sure that all was right with the world. You didn't bother them and they didn't bother you. It was an arrangement everyone was pretty much comfortable with.
But welcome to the 21st Century, where we're confronted with the ugly reality of rock thieves. Who steal shrubbery on the side, no less.
Tough guys, they must be.
I was talking to my friend Fat Sally the other night, and he told me the perps probably shouldn't be messed with.
"Any guy that would steal rocks is a complete idiot," he said. "There's like a mental deficiency there. If a guy would steal rocks, he'll steal dirt and, if a guy would steal dirt, there's no telling what he might do."
Not for nothing, but the cops got a pretty good idea about who's responsible for this stupidity. So does the federal grand jury currently seated in Buffalo. It's just the sort of thing they're interested in.
It was in September 1999 that Faery's Landscaping of Ransomville--a non-union contractor--withdrew a $50,000 bid to do similar work at a Main Street pocket park because of fear of "labor trouble."
So keep it up, boys. Keep disgracing this city and calling attention to yourselves. Keep ruining the best efforts of honest citizens to improve their neighborhoods and their lives. Keep the light on Niagara Falls so that the 40 FBI agents currently in residence here all have plenty to do. Make them shine that light so bright that cockroaches like you no longer have a place to hide.
The rest of us will get by just fine. The light will get brighter and brighter still, and then, as Fat Sally himself might say, buona sera.
Lights out.