The coming year, you would think, almost has to be better than the one just completed.
Even by the remarkably low standards we have in Niagara Falls -- and all of Western New York, for that matter -- 2005 was quite the stinker.
Throughout the year, stories about creatively titled "loans" and ensuing federal investigations dominated the news, along with the threatened closures of two of the region's largest employers, an endless stream of lawsuits against the city of Niagara Falls, the fiscal collapse of Erie County and enough instances of governmental corruption and cronyism that the feds set up a whole task force to look into the mess.
At least nobody with Western New York roots committed a crime sensational enough to merit live court coverage by any cable television network. That we know about yet, anyway.
Reporter Editor in Chief Mike Hudson has chronicled the lows and lowers of 2005 elsewhere on these pages. The mission of this fourth edition of Citycide's Year in Preview is, as always, to aim for a few cheap laughs with baseless forecasts and engage in thoroughly gratuitous wiseacrey as it pertains to the coming year.
JANUARY 14: Proponents of a Wizard of Oz-themed amusement park in Wheatfield reveal detailed plans for the attraction, including a list of investors.
In an unrelated story, temperatures hit 80 degrees throughout the region, the Niagara River reverses course and begins flowing up the world-famous cataracts, and local residents report monkeys flying out of their backsides.
FEBRUARY 8: With rumors floating that the federal task force on government corruption is readying indictments, Mayor Vincenzo V. Anello uses his beloved "Ask the Mayor" column in The Other Paper to change his story yet again.
"Joe Anderson? Who's Joe Anderson? Never heard of him," Anello writes in answer to a made-up question from a nonexistent resident. "What's this East Mall people keep talking about? Do they have an Old Navy there? And what's a Wintergarden, anyway?"
MARCH 11: Emboldened by the success of the half-penny sales tax increase in strengthening Erie County's fiscal situation, County Executive Joel Giambra proposes hiking it even further, from 8.75 percent to 100 percent.
"Hey, I just went through a hell of a year and this will let me kick back -- er, did I say that out loud? -- I mean, relax a little," Giambra said. "Plus, this way I can get all my people back on the payroll and off my case."
APRIL 1: USA Niagara Development and the Niagara USA Chamber announce that they're really the same organization and will merge and henceforth stop even pretending to do anything other than suck up state money, give stuff to Carl Paladino and provide jobs for the otherwise unemployable.
"Let's face it, neither one of us does much of anything, except stage news-free news conferences," said new CEO Tom Darro. "To avoid confusion, we'll be known as USA Niagara USA É Niagara É USA. Or something like that."
State Assemblywoman Francine Del Monte and state Sen. George Maziarz agree that the merged entity will be wholly funded from the city's share of casino revenues.
MAY 5: USA Niagara USA Niagara USA holds a news conference to announce that Paladino is almost ready to start renovating the United Office Building, just six months after the last news conference announcing that the alleged Buffalo developer was almost ready to start renovating the United Office Building.
JUNE 17: Citing the overwhelming success of New York's statewide smoking ban, Del Monte introduces a bill to prohibit the public from eating at restaurants.
"Thousands of New Yorkers get sick every year after dining out," Del Monte yelled during a news conference at Prospect Point. "And thousands more die from heart disease, diabetes and adverse reactions to hearing waitresses wearing lots of pins sing goofy versions of 'Happy Birthday.'"
The assemblywoman insisted that business owners would benefit from the ban, saying, "People who don't like to watch other people eat will come out more often."
JULY 4: Angered by incessant carping about the war in Iraq by Canadian officials, President George W. Bush orders U.S. troops to invade Niagara Falls, Ont.
Hostilities, most of which involve Canadian troops offering directions to U.S. forces, last less than two hours. No U.S. troops are injured, but 2,438 gamblers are killed by an air strike on Casino Niagara.
"Those maple-lovers have been asking for it for centuries," Bush says while standing under a banner reading "Mission Accomplished" on the deck of the Maid of the Mist. "Finally, the good people of Canada will know the joys of liberty."
Michael Moore, whose film "Canadian Bacon" eerily presaged the invasion, announces the release of his next book, "I Told You So."
AUGUST 24: New HSBC CEO Claude Malloy announces a new financial services program inspired by the mayor of Niagara Falls.
"The Anello Loan allows our customers to borrow large amounts of money for the long term, with no interest or even a repayment schedule," Malloy says. "It's almost like it's not really a loan at all!"
SEPTEMBER 1: After eager customers deplete all HSBC branches in Western New York of their cash reserves and the Internal Revenue Service launches an investigation into the Anello Loan program, Malloy resigns and is promptly hired as a consultant to the city's budget department.
OCTOBER 20: In anticipation of the Seneca Buffalo Creek Casino's scheduled opening in early 2007, Buffalo's Common Council takes up a proposal to legalize prostitution within city limits and allow convenience stores to sell heroin.
After endorsing the measure during a news conference, Buffalo Niagara Partnership Chairman Andrew Rudnick unveils the organization's new slogan, "Buffalo: Anything for a Buck."
NOVEMBER 13: USA Niagara USA Niagara USA holds a news conference to announce that Carl Paladino really, seriously, honest-to-God is going to start renovating the United Office Building.
Sometime in 2007.
Probably.
DECEMBER 24: As a parting gift to the people of Niagara Falls, outgoing New York Gov. George Pataki reveals plans to turn over the entire city to the Seneca Nation.
"We've already taken more than 50 acres of prime real estate off the tax rolls and slanted the playing field so grotesquely that most locally owned businesses are doomed anyway, so what the hey?" Pataki says.
| Niagara Falls Reporter | www.niagarafallsreporter.com | Dec. 27 2005 |