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Millions of New Yorkers woke up bleary-eyed and hungover this afternoon to the news that the New York State legislature had outlawed alcohol.
In a public opinion poll, reactions to the ruling ranged from "stunned" to "pole-axed."
"So what? Who wants to drink when you can't smoke?" fumed Godfrey Phlegmming. "They go together like wine and cheese." A ban on artery-clogging cheese is currently pending. "Cheese-food" products like Velveeta and Kraft singles, which contain no cheese, will remain readily available.
A spokesman for the state Legislature explained the decision. "This is part of our long-term plan to crush the spirits, er, raise the morals of all New Yorkers."
Exempted from the ban on alcohol are snooty cigar bars and other establishments where wealthy, middle-aged white men gather to plot world domination.
"This can only help our business," said gimlet-eyed bartender Tom Collins of Ceegarz Et Al. "Non-fruity drinks that have never seen the inside of a blender are off the menu. The broads are lining up 10-deep at the bar."
While umbrella-clad, coconut-shelled girly-drinks are welcome at Ceegarz and similar joints, blue-collar brews and foreign swill like French wine and Russian vodka are really "beyond the pale."
"Maybe this will teach those lowlifes an appreciation for the finer things," said Collins.
Disgruntled booze hounds and unrepentant puffers have begun pitching tents around the Seneca Niagara Casino, which, as Seneca land, is also exempted from the ban.
Casino squatter Mike McGarrity, who has bestowed upon himself the name Chief Blue-in-the-Face, mulled over his decision to "go native."
"We're moving onto the reservations that we put them on in the first place, in order to drink alcohol, which we bribed them with in the first place. It's, I don't know, um, uh ... ironic?"
Meanwhile a spokesman for the Seneca Niagara Casino announced that, in cooperation with the current national policy of irrational hatred for all things "un-American," it will now only serve drinks made of fermented succotash.
Residents can expect to see other changes as a result of the new no-quaff policy. Welcome signs posted at the city limits will now say, "Welcome, non-smokers and teetotalers." Panhandlers requesting a few dollars for a "sammich" will actually be using the funds for that purpose. And tourists attempting to bring in cigarettes and liquor purchased at the duty-free in Canada will be stopped at Customs and forced to "smoke 'em all," just to teach them a lesson. Customs officials refused comment on what would be done with the confiscated hooch.
Also affected by the ban are manufacturers of a spicy, tomato-based condiment many enjoy with seafood, which will henceforth be known as "mocktail sauce."
The long-term repercussions of the new policy are troubling to some.
"With alcohol and cigarettes banned, can lounge singers be far behind?" worried Michael Civisca.
In related news, the Domestic Abusers Support Group has announced an emergency meeting to come up with another excuse.
| April 1 2003 |