NEW YORK PO NIAGARA FALLS REPORTER

APRIL FOOL!

HAVE A LAUGH, THEN READ THE REAL NIAGARA FALLS REPORTER

For the real Niagara Falls Reporter, click here.

EDITORIAL

FRANKLY, WE LIKE DYSTER'S PLAN TO SAVE NIAGARA FALLS

Plans unveiled this week by Save Our Sights, a group dedicated to myopia and the spending of as much taxpayer money as possible, caught our eye.

LEAD STORIES

SPLASH PARK TO BECOME -- WATER PARK!

by Con Flynn

Mayor Irene Elia, local attorney John Bartolemei and top officials of Niagara Falls Redevelopment will soon be trading their lawsuits in for swimsuits as the city's former Splash Park, located at the corner of Rainbow and John B. Daly boulevards, is reborn as a water park.

STATE LEGISLATURE OUTLAWS ALCOHOL

by Brenda Snarl

Millions of New Yorkers woke up bleary-eyed and hungover this afternoon to the news that the New York State legislature had outlawed alcohol. In a public opinion poll, reactions to the ruling ranged from "stunned" to "pole-axed."

NO MORE NOOKIE FOR NEW YORKERS

by Brandi Mercedes

Seeking to capitalize on their wildly popular recent bans on public smoking and alcohol, the state legislature voted late last night to ban sexual relations between consenting adults.

BAGUETTE GETS ELEMENTARY WITH NEW HIRE

by Ted Knight

As part of its monthly newsroom shakeup, the Niagara Baguette today named 7-year-old Timmy Watson as its new City Hall reporter.

KIMBLE'S CALLS TEST POLICE PATIENCE

by Lois Lame

The Niagara County Legislature got even less done than usual at last night's meeting, after Legislator Renae Kimble (D-Fantasyland) summoned police 14 times.

DISNEY DEAL WONDERFUL FOR FALLS

by Bob Woodward

In a first-of-its-kind deal, Niagara Falls Mayor Irene Elia announced that the city will turn itself over to the Walt Disney Corporation, effective immediately, and become the world's largest theme park.

COLUMNS

WHY I LOVE WAR AND THINK CERTAIN OBSTETRICIANS DESERVE TO BE KILLED

by Jobelle Shrillsa

It's time for those bleeding-heart Democratic liberals in Congress to grow up. As a proud born-again Christian, I know with certainty that the only way we'll ever achieve peace on earth is by having some bodies fall. And the sooner the better.

BLACK MENAGERIE: REAL UNCLE TOM SUES HARRY BELAFONTE OVER USE OF NAME IN COLIN POWELL ATTACK

by Bill Bradberry

Famed attorney Johnnie Cochran, standing proudly next to a man identified as the "original Uncle Tom," announced to a standing-room-only crowd of reporters and curious onlookers that his client, the world-famous Uncle Tom, has filed a multi-million dollar lawsuit against veteran actor-singer-activist Harry Belafonte.

MAYOR ELIA ANNOUNCES OPENING OF SECOND CASINO

by Frank Thomas Croisdale

In a move that stunned even the most hardened observers of the local political scene, Niagara Falls Mayor Irene Elia announced today that she is claiming Native American heritage and has petitioned the state for the right to open a second casino in the downtown area.

SPORTS

HAMISTER SEEKS STATE AID IN LITTLE LEAGUE PURCHASE

by Perry Chaw

Having failed in his attempt to get New York State and Erie County to buy the Buffalo Sabres for him, Buffalo Niagara Partnership Chairman Mark Hamister announced today that he'll shift his sights to the Bucky's Barbershop Yankees of the LaSalle Little League.

MORE FOOLISHNESS

Callahan Online

Tacky Postcard Archive

Institute of Official Cheer

Unofficial Whitehouse Satire Web Site

Ironic Times

The Onion

Satire Wire

Canadian World Domination Homepage

Archie McPhee

©2003 The Niagara Falls Reporter
345 Third Street, Suite 463, Niagara Falls, NY 14303
Phone:716-284-5595 Fax: 716-284-5597



Publisher: Dr. Evil
Hack in Chief: Con Flynn
Senior Hack: Brenda Snarl
Sports Hack: Perry Chaw
Wannabe Hacks: Bill Bradberry, Frank Thomas Croisdale,
Ted Knight, Lois Lame, Brandi Mercedes, Jobelle Shrillsa, Bob Woodward

This site has received hits since July 3, 2000.