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Seeking to capitalize on their wildly popular recent bans on public smoking and alcohol, the state legislature voted late last night to ban sexual relations between consenting adults.
"Sex is the No. 1 cause of pregnancy in New York State," said Assembly
Speaker Sheldon Silver (D-Where the Rich People Live). "Not to mention
sexually transmitted diseases. Sex costs New York taxpayers billions every
year, and we just can't afford it any more."
"We're not here to concern ourselves with trifling matters like passing a state budget within a month of the deadline," concurred Senate Majority Leader Joseph Bruno (R-Where People Who Are Nearly As Rich Live). "We're here to legislate morality, whether the idiots we represent like it or not."
The state mandate calls for counties to set up secret police forces designed to enforce the ban, as well as setting up a toll-free hotline where citizens can inform on neighbors suspected of getting it on.
"It's about time the state did something to stop all those dirty, dirty fornicators," said Buffy Sphincter, chairwoman of Dowagers Against Anything Fun. "I haven't gotten any since Eisenhower was president, so why should anyone else?"
Critics of the law said that, while the legislation is a step in the right direction, it includes too many loopholes.
One provides for the sale of single-use sex permits for $1,000 each, or a book of seven for $5,000, to residents who can provide proof of membership in a country club.
Another allows state legislators and patronage job-holders to keep having sex with prostitutes.
"We had to make some realistic provisions," Silver said. "Otherwise, we would have put thousands of young women and men out of work."
| April 1 2003 |