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In a move that stunned even the most hardened observers of the local political scene, Niagara Falls Mayor Irene Elia announced today that she is claiming Native American heritage and has petitioned the state for the right to open a second casino in the downtown area.
"I am many things," Elia told a stunned crowd at a 9 a.m. press conference on the steps of City Hall, "and among them is the fact that I am 100 percent Native American."
Elia claimed membership in the heretofore-fictitious Hekawi tribe, who were featured in the 1960s-era sitcom, "F-Troop."
"The actors who played the Hekawis were almost exclusively of Italian heritage. That got me to thinking, who discovered America? Columbus, right? So that means that all Italians are Native Americans because we were here before there were even colonies. So I am perfectly justified in saying that my people -- the Hekawis -- deserve their own casino," Elia stated to the utter astonishment of an assortment of political leaders and reporters.
Elia is apparently upset about published reports that claim she was asked to leave the Seneca Niagara Casino.
"No one will dare throw me out of this one, not if they know what's good for them. Just because I'm a former nun doesn't mean that I don't know how to open up a can of whupass on someone, you know," the mayor declared from behind the podium.
Mayor Elia said that every citizen of Niagara Falls who is of Italian descent is eligible to apply for membership in the Hekawi Tribe and, as such, would be entitled to share in the wealth of the new casino -- save one exception.
"Vince Anello will never be a Hekawi," bellowed the mayor. "Not now, not ever. Let's just see how he fares at the polls in September without the members of the tribe backing him."
The diminutive first lady of Niagara Falls went on to say that she expects a far bigger cut of the pie than the city receives from the Seneca-run casino.
"Like Jimmy Gandolfini, whom I've made an honorary Hekawi, I'll hold out until I get what's coming to me," said the mayor, in reference to the "Sopranos" star's well-publicized feud with HBO.
When asked if the new casino would employ a celebrity greeter, the mayor said that she was proud to announce that Larry Storch of "F-Troop" had been signed to an exclusive contract.
"He was the voice of Cool Cat, you know," Elia added, mentioning one of the only Looney Toon creations that failed to catch on with America's kids.
The mayor said that she was shooting for Columbus Day as the opening day for the casino. When asked by a reporter what she thought would happen first, the opening of the casino or the repair of the water-fountain "Welcome to Niagara Falls" signs, she exclaimed, "Don't try to confuse me with these silly chicken-and-egg questions."
The mayor concluded the press conference by stating that it was her pleasure to declare that the new Hekawi Nation Casino would be located where City Hall currently stands.
"We've even had our marketing people come up with a great slogan," Elia beamed. "City Hall Casino: We've turned from crap to craps!"
| April 1 2003 |