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As part of its monthly newsroom shakeup, the Niagara Baguette today named 7-year-old Timmy Watson as its new City Hall reporter.
Timmy, a second-grader at Harry Abate School, was snapped up by the newspaper after receiving a B-minus on an essay entitled "Why I Like Ice Cream."
"He spelled most of the words right, and put periods at the ends of his
sentences," said Baguette Editor-of-All-He-Surveys Terry Shaw. "We're
targeting younger readers, and he'll give our coverage a pre-pubescent
perspective. But the most important thing is his positive attitude. We've got
too much negativity in the newsroom."
Timmy said he's looking forward to the increase in pay from his last job, walking the family dog and helping his mommy with the dishes for $5 a week. Greater Niagara Newspapers Publisher Steve Braver said Watson would receive $7 per week, plus all the bubble gum he can chew.
"It's really neat," Timmy said of becoming the youngest reporter in city annals. "Mr. Shaw's really neat! Mr. Braver's really neat -- especially his hair!"
Asked whether he's prepared for the challenges that accompany such a complex and important beat, Watson jumped up and down, waving his hands over his head, while turning in a clockwise circle.
"Yeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaah," he shouted until running out of breath. "The mayor's really neat! She smells like my grandma!"
Shaw said that while Timmy learns to type, City Hall employees will write stories about the administration and City Council, which will appear under Mayor Irene Elia's byline.
In addition to his City Hall duties, Timmy will cover the Niagara USA Chamber and the Buffalo Niagara Partnership, Braver said.
"We wanted someone with a fresh perspective to cover these hugely important organizations," said Braver, who serves as chairman of Niagara USA's board of directors, as well as holding a seat on the Partnership Board. "I'm tired of people saying that I've got a conflict of interest, and that these two groups are nothing more than parasites that steal money from actual business people to further line the pockets of the already-wealthy scions of Buffalo power brokers."
Asked why he agreed to hire a 7-year-old rather than a qualified reporter, Braver defended the choice.
"Are you kidding? You try to get someone with any kind of experience to come here," Braver chuckled while rubbing his hands together. "Especially for what we pay. Plus, Niagara Falls is a miserable craphole populated by incestuous morons who haven't even realized that we've turned their local newspaper into a daily pennysaver! Hahahahahahaha! Wait a minute. Did I say that last part out loud? Make sure to edit that out of the story."
To make room for the young phenom, former City Hall reporter Jill Terreri, hired in February, was promoted to Senior Editor.
"She's been here a couple months, which means she knows as much about the area as anybody we've got," Shaw said. "Plus, she sort of laughs at my jokes. Or at least doesn't make faces like everybody else."
In a related move, Shaw was promoted from Editor-of-all-He-Surveys to Fearless Leader.
Braver also announced a shift in the newspaper's advertising policies. In response to the overwhelming success of the rival Niagara Falls Reporter's sale of advertising space at the bottom of its front page, Braver said businesses would be invited to "sponsor" news stories.
"For instance, Niagara USA Development has already committed to underwrite our coverage of downtown development, and Mayor Elia is sponsoring every story about the mayoral race right through November," Braver said. "Not that the stories will look any different, or any mention will be made of who is sponsoring what. Our coverage is already blatantly slanted, so why shouldn't I make a little extra coin? Besides, it's not like the semi-literates who try to read our paper will know the difference. Hahahahahahaha!"
| April 1 2003 |