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Famed attorney Johnnie Cochran, standing proudly next to a man identified as the "original Uncle Tom," announced to a standing-room-only crowd of reporters and curious onlookers that his client, the world-famous Uncle Tom, has filed a multi-million dollar lawsuit against veteran actor-singer-activist Harry Belafonte for "ruining his name" by calling Secretary of State Colin Powell President George Bush's "house nigger and an Uncle Tom."
Meanwhile, the National Brotherhood of House Niggaz (NBHN) announced at a "separate but equal" press conference across the street that they have also filed a libel and defamation lawsuit against the calypso singer turned rap artist.
Their spokesman, who identified himself as Uncle Remus, declared, "We'z jes house niggaz and das all we wont to be."
Dressed in a flashy bright yellow suit and sporting a stunning oversized red bow tie, Mr. Uncle Remus, as he preferred to be addressed by reporters, said his organization of more than 100,000 dues-paying members, has been active since "way back before Moses 'n' nem got mad at de Pharaoh."
He said he did not know who started the group or exactly why, "but we meets reglar and get dem dues to pay for the suits and stuff."
Gathered outside the back door of the Kentucky Fried Chicken headquarters press conference site, a larger group of protestors stood in solidarity with Uncle Tom, chanting "back to de fields" and sporadically tap-dancing on the lawn.
Their group, officially known as the National Alliance of Field Niggaz (NAFN) is "dedicated to the preservation of the legacy of field workers," they who toiled outside, picking cotton, raising the crops and otherwise tending to the physical labor needs of the plantation back during the glory days of the South. "We lived in the shacks, ate whatever the massa threw away or to the hogs. The house niggaz got to eat the white man's food, slept in the big house, even got to wear the white man's old shoes when they wore out. Most of us went barefoot all year round in the heat and cold, steppin' on that hard ground. Lawd, that ground was sho-nuff hard."
"We learned the trades: How to do what it takes to get the job done," said one attendee wearing a name tag identifying him as the president of the "Sammy Davis Jr. Las Vegas Chapter " of the NAFN.
Apparently, Belafonte called Powell both a house nigger and a field nigger, thereby offending both classes of the African-American plantation legacy, those who worked in the master's house as well as those who worked the fields.
But according to the spokespersons for both groups, "you can't be both." And according to them, Powell fails both comparisons, fitting into neither. So what IS HE?
Remus said his group is dedicated to bringing back "the good old days," as he introduced another demonstrator whom he said was related "by blood" to the original Buckwheat. The gentleman, who claimed to be "in his 100s," said he and his associates were there to show their support for Uncle Tom and to publicly denounce the reverend Jesse Jackson, whom he called a "devil."
One of the group's leaders, who claimed to be a direct descendant of Aunt Jemimah, waved a banner declaring "Biskits Up! Affirmative Action Down," while another demonstrator held a handmade sign stating "Rosa Parks Go Home" and "Edjucation is A Trik."
Uncle Tom, reading from a prepared statement said, "We have been free long enough. It is time to get back to work!"
Reached at his island home in the Caribbean, Belafonte said he had no comment and that he was "just glad to be home."
Unconfirmed rumors have spread recently that the 70-something performer has been working on a banana boat, unable to secure bookings since his Powell statement several months ago.
| April 1 2003 |