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SEP 29 - OCT 06, 2015

Your Weekly Horoscope

By Jean Topascani

OCT 08, 2015

 

Aries: (March 21 - April 19)
Paying more than $1,000 an ounce for weed could prove fiscally unsound. You inspire people. Try this experiment: Hide, watching your suicide note found and passed around by co-workers. They begin to whistle while they work. Sat. am: Losing weight will make you look slimmer.

Taurus: (April 20 - May 20)
Juicy romance ahead. Not for you but for characters in “The Handsome farmhand’s secret,” a
Harlequin Romance book you will not read. Financial institution adds “fees” to your accounts. Paranoia strikes deep. Schizophrenia is a word that you could not define but curiously defines you.

Gemini: (May 21 - June 20)
Getting more money may improve your financial situation. You impress your boss when asked the difference between you and a bucket of manure when you answer “what kind of bucket?”
 Dirty socks hidden in bedroom should be discarded. Mon pm: Do not drink poison.
Weds. Pm: Brush your tongue.

Cancer: (June 21 - July 22)
The stars reveal that you will meet a young, vibrant, very attractive person, with similar interests, a fun, laughing, outgoing person who loves the outdoors, who will steal money from you. Increase fire insurance on home.
Thurs: Encouraging news is inaccurate.


Leo: (July 23 - August 22)
The stars reveal you will get an unexpected visit from the vice squad.  A dark haired, bearded waiter with hairy arms, hands, chest and back serves you steak with garnish of unusually dry, black vermicelli. A job might provide a useful source of income.

Virgo: (August 23 - September 22)
Advice you gave a certain person whose name you will not remember will lead that person to suicide. Underarm perspiration becomes noticeable on "runaway" date. Fri am: Liposuction leads to complications. Sun pm: Blackmail relatives for needed extra income.
Tues: Using words may help communicate your thoughts.

 

Libra: (September 23 - October 22)
DO NOT post your picture on internet dating site. Just because you have a low IQ does not mean you are good looking. You are good at ironing. A beguiling stranger will offer to take most of your money and double it. Boring personality becomes noticeable on weekend date.

 

Scorpio: (October 23 - November 21)
The widow of an African political leader will offer you $10 million sometime this week by email. Send bank account information. You have a good heart, but bad breath. Halitosis more offensive when in confined spaces. Tues. am: Avoid Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus.

 

Sagittarius: (November 22 - December 21)
High appeal to the opposite gender. Fun to be around. Very caring. This doesn’t sound like you and the stars can do nothing to change it. Stick with online relationships only. You will do prison time for something you will describe to the judge as a "misunderstanding."



Capricorn: (December 22 - January 19)
The "armpit of the zodiac." Body odor much commented upon. A winsome stranger notices that you are hilarious, sincere, warm and stupid. Pluto in 7th house suggests spaghetti diet is successful. You gain 25 pounds. Saturday p.m. best time to choke loved one.

 

Aquarius: (January 20 - February 18)
You exude an impression of trustworthiness, integrity and imbecility. Saturn in 5th indicates you love traveling and, if you had money, you would do so. Neptune in retrograde leads to a career as an embezzler. You could have a lot of good luck this week, but you won't.

 

Pisces: (February 19 - March 20)
You will find that some astrological advice you read this week will be misleading and potentially cost you a lot of money.
Pretend you are listening to people who find you boring.  Water sign in ascendant suggests not bathing may be preventing you from getting a job.


 

 

 

 

 

 

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All Quiet on the Kane Front
Events Calendar
City Hall Jokes
Your Weekly Horoscope

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