Your Weekly Horoscope: 'It's in the Stars...'

Niagara Falls Reporter

Your Weekly Horoscope: 'It's in the Stars...'

By Jean Topascani

A trained astrologer can tell someone's sign by just looking at them. Yes, each sign has its own unique physical characteristics. Learn how to make the most of your own astrologically - given looks and be able to tell at a glance what sign someone is by using the handy chart below...

Aries
The qualifier of the common word, "ugly," "butt-ugly," entered the dictionary thanks to you! Get lots of plastic surgery and pretentious, stupid tattoos. Botox your forehead. Forget about dieting. Face, ears, ALL need to be hatcheted off your body before anyone will care whether you are skinny or fat.
Taurus
While you are sinisterly unattractive with a nose similar to that of a toucan, make-up and butt pads will do wonders for you. You could be the main attraction at a freak show. But remember, just because you can walk backwards doesn't make you a genius.
Gemini
While you don't believe you have the face of a horse, how is it that people keep holding sugar cubes in front of you? You look like a burnt raisin on crack. It should be against the law for anyone to be so ugly.
Cancer
Franken-face! This is what happens when you visit a plastic surgeon more often than you visit the dentist. Sorry, but skunk hair never looks good on anyone! Neither does your catfish face, Jay Leno chin, pigeon toes and vacant stare. You are unattractive even to horseflies.
Leo
Your hairline touches your eyebrows. Pancake head, weird nose, pale, wrinkled face, ugly eyes, too much eyeliner, too thin, no boobs, no butt, no nothing. Hair, plain and weak. Strange out-of-proportion body, duck lips. Yes, you know you're hot!
Virgo
Lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of very large horse teeth! Neigh! Your pointed nose is bigger than Mount Everest! You are quite ugly! But you were even uglier when younger. That is putting it tenderly. Get liposuction or something.
Libra
You have access to every makeup trick and plastic surgery gimmick on the planet and are still uglier than a plumber's moon. You have a smile like the Joker, nostrils like Falcor, an anorexic body and are fish lipped. Worst of all, you have a skanky, narcissistic personality. Children are frightened at the very sight of you.
Scorpio
Onion head with mouse ears, saggy jowls, droopy eyes, a pug nose, nasty sloppy lips, buck teeth, rat's nest hair, chubby chipmunk cheeks, fat thunder thighs, hook nosed, wrinkly lizard skin hanging on an uneven awkward frame. Someone crossbred a drag queen and a mule and got you. Yeah, baby! You belong in Hollywood.
Sagittarius
Skeletor called, he wants his face back. Lips like two pieces of soggy liver, large cheekbones, crooked eyebrows, warped nose, HUGE chin and gums that look like they are going to jump out of your mouth and attack someone every time you smile. Be proud of your heritage. Let your slick, black oily hair shine and your nose grow. Think sexy, baby!
Capricorn
Pasty, pale vampire skin, huge protruding nose, wrinkles surrounding your mouth, ugly outdated 1960s haircut, thin eyebrows drooping over creepy alien eyes, thunder thighs and cankles, horse face, yuk. Someone please kill this thing with fire. One theory is that Photoshop was created just to lessen your "fright factor."
Aquarius
As personable as a wet roll of toilet paper. Shave your head, paint yourself green, get on your spaceship and fly back to your home planet. People would ask you who you slept with, if only they could believe anyone slept with you at all? You make people think of a girl/guy from the trailer park who is kind of hot at first, but when you look closer, he/she's kind of not. Damn, you have a "punch me" face!
Pisces
Surgery, hair dying, straightening, waxing, tanning, diets, and workouts results in NO sex appeal whatsoever. You look like a cross between a drag queen and a horseball. In the dictionary under your picture is a new word, "vomitrocious," which has been invented because of you. And please leave Justin Bieber alone, he didn't do anything to you!

Your Weekly Horoscope: 'It's in the Stars...' By Jean Topascani
A trained astrologer can tell someone's sign by just looking at them. Yes, each sign has its own unique physical characteristics. Learn how to make the most of your own astrologically - given looks and be able to tell at a glance what sign someone is by using the handy chart below... Aries The qualifier of the common word, "ugly," "butt-ugly," entered the dictionary thanks to you! Get lots of plastic surgery and pretentious, stupid tattoos. Botox your forehead. Forget about dieting. Face, ears, ALL need to be hatcheted off your body before anyone will care whether you are skinny or fat. Taurus While you are sinisterly unattractive with a nose similar to that of a toucan, make-up and butt pads will do wonders for you. You could be the main attraction at a freak show. But remember, just because you can walk backwards doesn't make you a genius. Gemini While you don't believe you have the face of a horse, how is it that people keep holding sugar cubes in front of you? You look like a burnt raisin on crack. It should be against the law for anyone to be so ugly. Cancer Franken-face! This is what happens when you visit a plastic surgeon more often than you visit the dentist. Sorry, but skunk hair never looks good on anyone! Neither does your catfish face, Jay Leno chin, pigeon toes and vacant stare. You are unattractive even to horseflies. Leo Your hairline touches your eyebrows. Pancake head, weird nose, pale, wrinkled face, ugly eyes, too much eyeliner, too thin, no boobs, no butt, no nothing. Hair, plain and weak. Strange out-of-proportion body, duck lips. Yes, you know you're hot! Virgo Lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of very large horse teeth! Neigh! Your pointed nose is bigger than Mount Everest! You are quite ugly! But you were even uglier when younger. That is putting it tenderly. Get liposuction or something. Libra You have access to every makeup trick and plastic surgery gimmick on the planet and are still uglier than a plumber's moon. You have a smile like the Joker, nostrils like Falcor, an anorexic body and are fish lipped. Worst of all, you have a skanky, narcissistic personality. Children are frightened at the very sight of you. Scorpio Onion head with mouse ears, saggy jowls, droopy eyes, a pug nose, nasty sloppy lips, buck teeth, rat's nest hair, chubby chipmunk cheeks, fat thunder thighs, hook nosed, wrinkly lizard skin hanging on an uneven awkward frame. Someone crossbred a drag queen and a mule and got you. Yeah, baby! You belong in Hollywood. Sagittarius Skeletor called, he wants his face back. Lips like two pieces of soggy liver, large cheekbones, crooked eyebrows, warped nose, HUGE chin and gums that look like they are going to jump out of your mouth and attack someone every time you smile. Be proud of your heritage. Let your slick, black oily hair shine and your nose grow. Think sexy, baby! Capricorn Pasty, pale vampire skin, huge protruding nose, wrinkles surrounding your mouth, ugly outdated 1960s haircut, thin eyebrows drooping over creepy alien eyes, thunder thighs and cankles, horse face, yuk. Someone please kill this thing with fire. One theory is that Photoshop was created just to lessen your "fright factor." Aquarius As personable as a wet roll of toilet paper. Shave your head, paint yourself green, get on your spaceship and fly back to your home planet. People would ask you who you slept with, if only they could believe anyone slept with you at all? You make people think of a girl/guy from the trailer park who is kind of hot at first, but when you look closer, he/she's kind of not. Damn, you have a "punch me" face! Pisces Surgery, hair dying, straightening, waxing, tanning, diets, and workouts results in NO sex appeal whatsoever. You look like a cross between a drag queen and a horseball. In the dictionary under your picture is a new word, "vomitrocious," which has been invented because of you. And please leave Justin Bieber alone, he didn't do anything to you!

Niagara Falls Reporter - Publisher Frank Parlato Jr. www.niagarafallsreporter.com
Mar 11, 2014