Mayor Dyster Announces (Not Really) Formation of the Bureau of Public Information and Positive Reinforcement
By Kay Stubbs
(The following fictional story is our answer to the morons who want only happy news in this newspaper. It is a purely fictional account.)
Mayor Paul A. Dyster has announced the creation of the Niagara Falls Bureau of Public Information and Positive Reinforcement. The mayor's new information organ will operate out of city hall through the Mayor's Office.
"While George W Bush was president he declared that he had to 'catapult the propaganda' in order to get his administration's message out to the great unwashed public and that's what we'll be doing here," said the hoopster tall mayor. "I've come to the conclusion that it's not enough that my administration has received fawning news coverage for the past six years. I believe it's time to step up my game and take matters into my own hands to shape a positive news message on an endless 24/7 basis. In my mind I foresee a continuous loop of positive messaging and positive results for a positive city and I'm absolutely positive about making this positivity happen."
The bureau will be referred to as "BPIPR" and is to be pronounced phonetically as the "bip-ipper" office. The lanky, outdoors-loving mayor spouted, "It's not enough to simply tell residents what's going on in city government. I've found that it's necessary to constantly tell people how to think about what's going on in city government."
The used-to-be university professor noted that, "As a former university professor I learned from the Soviets that crafty sculpting of the message is the key to pulling the wool over the eyes of the public. It's not enough to simply pull the wool, but that it be pulled so smoothly and comfortably that you're never caught pulling it. If you are, the people love the lie more than the truth which might not be so pleasant."
Mayor Dyster struck a hopeful note that his clever new ruse will work media magic by emphasizing, "I have a train station that's out of control and we haven't even broken ground, a $4.5 million budget gap I can't close, and my Hamister project is dead on its feet so my administration has its work cut out for it. But I have absolute confidence that, as usual, the local media will play along and remain asleep and unquestioning as to what's really going on in Niagara Falls."
After the mayor made his announcement, the hoopster tall elected official put on his always-ready Sabres jersey, popped the top on a craft brewed bottle of suds, grabbed his fishing gear and headed for the Niagara River in the hopes of catching something.
The green mayor will try to get most of his fishing done downstream before getting approval for frack water waste treatment at the Niagara Falls Water Board, something he has been working on for several years for the ultimate good of the community.
After it is approved the progressive mayor can fish upstream of the treatment plant.
"In life there are compromises," the always optimistic mayor, who has been called "a secular Mahatma Gandhi," said. "We may lose the ability to keep fish from becoming radioactive in the lower Niagara River, but we will reel in great profits from our neighbors and friendly frackers in Pennsylvania and Ohio who need our watershed to dispose of their contaminated fracking waste. Besides, the fishing is better in the upper river anyway."
|Niagara Falls Reporter - Publisher Frank Parlato Jr.||www.niagarafallsreporter.com||
Feb 04, 2014