Your Weekly Horoscope: It's in the Stars...

ARIES

Jupiter in Cancer brings honor: A team of scientists researching a cure for stupidity select you to have your body cryogenically frozen for future human testing. A relationship will blossom under the Libran Full Moon. Consider changing your sign to Pisces.

TAURUS

Jupiter colludes with Saturn. You will be fired this week from your job at Best Buy just for taking home a half-dozen Playstation 4 consoles. Retrograde Mercury indicates tomorrow you'll wake up, do a host of things, and then go back to sleep.

GEMINI

Sun and Mercury are hitting the most influential point in your chart. Jupiter encourages get-it-now, pay-later attitude. Opportunity and excitement start the day. Apprehension ruins it. Police officer plays a role. You have two sides to your personality: bad and worse. An opportunity arises to wear a muscle-shirt. Correct armpit odor.

CANCER

Moon highlights you. Muffled giggling on the couch suggests people in your own home are laughing behind your back. When Venus the love planet changes signs you will be fat with love! Husky with ardor! Morbidly obese with devotion! Lose weight.

LEO

Pluto in conflict with Uranus suggests that getting more money may improve your financial situation. The word "gasbag" will mean something to you that it simply hasn't meant before. Uranus-Pluto clash indicate the beginning of a lifelong romance this week, which will show you how wrong the stars can sometimes be.

VIRGO

Uranus squares up to Jupiter. Set social standards low. Do not date, joke or think. Your lips are full and inviting, you have an infectious laugh and glassy cackle in your eyes. You are diagnosed with spatial orientation. Jupiter's allied to Venus indicates that if you feel ill, a visit to the doctor could be in store.

LIBRA

A combination of Neptune, Jupiter and Saturn indicate that if you lose money this week, you can rest assured that the nature of human kindness will mean you never see it again.

Mercury in retrograde suggests care about diet. Do not eat anything that comes out of a cow's mouth like cow tongue. Eat fried eggs, instead.

SCORPIO

Retrograde Mercury could create mix-ups. Try to avoid Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus. A Saturn-Neptune alliance will allow you to become one with nature this week, thanks to a simple process known as decomposing. "Have a good day!" is something that well intended people will say that will annoy you this week as you suffer from hemorrhoids. Resist disclosing too much information.

SAGITTARIUS

Try to remember that "Sagittarius" is not the name of a really expensive violin. Children are our nation's greatest natural resource. Keep a stockpile of them locked in your basement.

The sudden rise in mood swings, wild food cravings, and rapid hair-growth suggests you need Neptune's help. But, even if you lose weight, you will still have an obnoxious personality. The stars bring glad tidings: You learn you are a distant cousin of Barrack Obama and Brad Pitt.

CAPRICORN

Jupiter's allied to Neptune. You could have a lot of good luck this week, but you won't. A Saturn-Neptune alignment guides you. Tell your boss in graphic language what you really, personally think of him. Demand he give you either a raise or a vacation. Start making plans today for your upcoming vacation!

AQUARIUS

Venus colludes with Jupiter. You are described as having a medley of traits: airhead, chicken, donkey, flake, scumbag, zero, hog, pig and cling-on. Becoming invisible could prove useful. Mercury retrograde suggests television plays integral role in your life as either a producer, director, actor, writer or viewer.

PISCES:

Uranus clashes with Pluto. A big promotion is just around the corner -- for one of your co-workers. Laughter is the best medicine. Remember that when your appendix bursts next week. Don't forget to hide four aces of different suits up your sleeve, instead of four of the same suit, to avoid getting caught cheating at poker again. Be enthusiastic.