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Your Weekly Horoscope

“It’s written in the stars . . .”

By Jean Topascani

Aries:  Pluto 19°03'32 in 12th house plus bad hearing causes confusion. You ask operator to   connect you to Fed Ex but she connects you to Ex Lax. When you say “I need to make a delivery. It absolutely positively has to get out overnight,” you are misunderstood. AM:  Cut all hair extending beyond one-half inch outside nose. PM:  Dinner. Avoid Heimlich maneuver if possible.

  Taurus: Aries 18°23'14. You burst into tears when you learn a ‘Kardashian’ is not a small, fuzzy animal but a person. You discover dead body in funeral home. AM: Porn star sues you over rear end collision. Wed. AM: Play harmonica in court.

 Gemini: Mars/Taurus 3°35'59 You insist you’re single only because you’re "too picky." Co-workers insist it’s because you're 75 pounds overweight, have nauseating body odor and subnormal intelligence. Issue remains unresolved. Meeting with attractive Aries provides warm coincidence: you both have the same fat pants. AM: Smoking marijuana helps you forget most people consider you a pothead.

 Cancer: Jupiter 2°50'56 in 10th indicates execution of your  business plan for a combination muffler shop and ice cream parlor will prove unprofitable. After much debate Zulu neighbor admits your missing lover was delicious. You are shocked to learn sex offenders lie about where they live.  Lying is horrible.  AM: Buy scorpion. Remember it needs lots of affection. PM: Sunday Start re-reading “Hotly Bedded, Conveniently Wedded,” “Convenient Marriage, Inconvenient Husband” and other convenient Harlequin Romances.

   Leo: Saturn 27°03'32 in 7th.  At religious school, part-time hooker is named ‘lay person of the year.’ Human resources refers your marijuana smoking to joint committee to determine what to do. PM:  Avoid temptation to believe in astrology. AM: Sunday: At convenience store, near potato chips aisle, say loudly "I want to get Lays!"

  Virgo: Mars in 8th. Overhearing your remark about Lincoln freeing the slaves prompts boss to experiment with outdated concept: He whips and chains you in basement. Starvation becomes health hazard for you. Tues. AM: Show off personality: Bet new lover you can fit a quarter in your nose.
 PM: Rewrite lyrics to Wild Thing. Begin, “prune juice, I think you move me.”

 Libra: Neptune/Aries in 8th: Your spouse is unusually silent on breakup. But you calculated on that. Homicide victims rarely talk to police. Sloppy, uncomfortable bed prompts misunderstanding after Indian motel owner says he “don’t give two sheets for guests like you.” High school - family cookout advertised as  “Students cook and serve grandparents” prompts your generous donation as clever way to solve Canibal/ senior problem. Cancel check when you discover innocent truth. Sat. Keep arsenic in candy box on low shelf but try to keep away from neighbors' annoying children when possible.

 Scorpio: Pluto 3°39'22 in 6th prompt sarcastic friends to offer ‘chocolate’ that is really ex-lax. Skip home rather than walk. On elevator, stare, grinning at other passengers for a while, then announce: "I've got new socks on!" Court-ordered anger management classes piss you off, royally. Don’t forget to tell judge of your disdain  in stern language. Sun.  You're miles from anywhere but your bowels don't care.

 Sagittarius: True Node Taurus 18°29.Talk softly and stay four feet from people, until halitosis improves.  Save money by writing in the memo field for all your checks, "For smuggling cocaine."  You get new career in science as stool sample analyst. You quickly learn to do work ploperly. Wed. PM: Paranoia strikes deep. Thurs AM: Runny nose. Offer to show contents of Kleenex to strangers.

 Capricorn: Moon 17°47'44 in 4th. Bad dairy causes embarrassing abdominal discomfort. Proceed with EXTREME CAUTION. Do not paint body parts with high gloss paint. If necessary, use matte finish. Put decaf in coffeemaker at work for three weeks but tell no one.  Saturday PM:  Show date new wound and ask if it looks infected.

 Aquarius: Pluto/Scorpio in 11th house. Tragedy strikes as 17 remain dead in morgue shooting spree. You learn sad truth:  Harlequin Classic, “Getting Red-Hot with the Rogue," by Robyn LaRue is not true story. Water sign in ascendant suggests not bathing may be the one thing preventing you from getting a job. Mon. AM: One word: Flatulence! Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall.

 Pisces: You became part-time hooker but wind up flat on your back. Avoid socially unacceptable noises. Have co-workers address you by your stage name: Kardashian. Amuse concert audience when you sing along at the opera. Win points at feminist convention when you offer used tampon to female archeologist and demand she tell you what period this came from. You disbelieve study that proves teen pregnancy rates drop after girls turn 21. Tell everyone at work your stage name is Kardashian.



Niagara Falls Reporter www.niagarafallsreporter.com July 31 , 2012