Aries: Mercury prompts roommate to switch to two ply toilet tissue. It rubs you the wrong way. Serious interest raised as Facebook friend posts hazy red-faced picture believed to be you. Mirth on Facebook when friend reveals it is baboon’s backside. Producing musical instruments from stomach causes tension at work. Exercise may help you lose weight, fatty. AM: Wed. Nose appears to grow longer.

Taurus: When shoplifting, avoid stealing purple bathing suit. It will reveal unflattering dimples. Wed. Lover and best friend announce they are in love. You are deeply hurt since you planned pick-up baseball game and cannot attend their wedding Friday. PM: Brush your tongue.

Gemini: In restroom stall, boss muses about “strength, softness and being absorbent.” You wonder how boss understood you so well. Boss becomes cryptic, adding, “For a clean you will notice. Those who go with Charmin’ really enjoy the go.” Ask for raise.
AM: Make sure life insurance is current.

Cancer: You will be torn away from friends and cast out of the only home you've ever known, now that your jail sentence is over. You ignore health officials warning: “Swimming pools and diarrhea not good mix.” AM: Don’t buy poisonous snake.

Leo: Saturn/Leo 27°03'32. Losing weight will make you look slimmer, fatty. Finances will improve if you set fire to house. Leave credit card home to give friends joy buying you meals and gifts.
Wed. Jury duty allows uninterrupted tweeting.

Virgo: Mars in 8th. Weight gain, plus sun bathing, lying on beach, on belly, prompts Greenpeace activists to try to push you back into the sea. Puppy comes into your life that cannot be housed trained. Your court-appointed therapist recommends deep pile carpet.

Libra: Neptune/Aries in 8th. You’re changing careers! Get ready to join the lucrative, fulfilling world of escort service. Throw out pens that don’t work. You learn that being mean is what makes you happy. Fri: Two words: fat pants. Sunday: Start re-reading Harry Potter series.

Scorpio: Laxative proves effective for you but spoils pool party. Amuse date with toilet paper humor when at Italian restaurant you taunt friendly waiter by insisting on Mexican beans. “That will wipe the smile off of his faeces,” you quip.
Sun. Put on a few extra strokes of deodorant.

Sagittarius: True Node.
Mon: At Denny’s express desire for cash-less society by giving advice instead of cash for tip for Cute Capricorn waitress. Tues. Cute Capricorn, intrigued, leaves generous, hand removed globule, moist and fresh, from nostril, secretly on your plate in response to your cash less concepts. Wed. PM: Shave entire body except underarms.

Capricorn: Moon in 4th. Spouse suggests steam iron to smooth out unflattering dimples. Warning: DO NOT set temperature above medium high (#8 on Sunbeam.) You hide, watching your suicide note found and passed around by co-workers. They begin to whistle while they work.
AM: Keep away from poison ivy.
Saturday PM: There is anger in your brain. Douse it with beer.

Aquarius: Pluto/Scorpio in 11th house: Putting urine in ear turns out ineffective in treating sinus infection. You have something in common with attractive Aries: irritable bowel syndrome. Wed. You burst into tears when you learn the truth: The Doobie Brothers are not brothers. On sinking ship ill-fated passengers ask you to do something religious. You take up a collection.
Mon. AM: View mayonnaise with critical eye.

Pisces: Retrograde Scorpio. Co-workers insult and mock when you pick nose. Later, several will refuse to shake hands with you. Wed. Office snacks are tempting. Wear your fat pants. PM: Attractive Zulu pays a little too much attention to your spouse.
Sat. AM: Paying more than $1,000 for an ounce of weed could prove fiscally unsound.