Aries: Pluto aligned with Mars, along with soothing music, makes laxative thorough and gentle at concert. Experiment with electricity running through genitals turns out to be not so beneficial. Neighbor politely asks you to close your bathroom window.

Taurus: Virgo with poor hygiene and bad eyesight offers to give neck rubs, clean your toilet and listen to your feelings. You discover in discussions that many people find a spoon a tricky instrument to use during love-making.

Gemini: While you'll never really understand, accept, or tolerate homosexuality, it's admirable that it hasn't stopped you from having sex with people of your gender. PM: Heavier than normal perspiration becomes problem when you run naked though state park.

Cancer: Pisces semi-square influences luscious Libra to invite you to Fireman’s picnic and orgy. Tactile Taurus offers chicken thigh. You accept leg from amorous Aries. Geriatric Gemini fondles chicken breast causing loss of appetite. Awkward picture posted on internet with fire hose and boots. Wed. Finish long overdue sewing project.

Leo: Polar square brings discipline to stick to all-pasta diet, as seen on Oprah. Mercury brings new wardrobe caused by sudden weight gain. You will experience happiness and success in every area of your life, unless there is something irreversibly wrong with you, which is likely. Make no plans.

Virgo: Attractive, but wall-eyed Libra seems to be staring at you. Curious Capricorn checks pulse on date to confirm you are alive. Years of back-breaking work and “brown-nosing” finally pay off when your manager, walking hurriedly down the hallway, nods faintly in your general direction. Be frugal this week, but splurge on two things: Do not reuse condoms. Substitute carob for chocolate.

Libra: Worsening hemorrhoids make working without pants essential. Lover despondent when your teeth turn yellow. Leave it to Aries Moon to smooth it away after you explain you drink urine six times daily. Take lead in discussion on “onanism in workplace” after co-worker gets pregnant by sitting on toilet seat without disposable seat cover.

Scorpio: You finally realize taking drugs is neither smart nor savvy. Selling drugs is, however. Begin at once. Continue work for escort service for companionship only. Retired cannibal with warm smile moves next door and hints at interlude. Wed. AM: Feelings hurt when VD clinic refuses your IOU.

Sagittarius: At gay birthday party you’re accused of talking not from your mouth but from another area of your person not normally in plain view. New lover you told you were single and your spouse arrive at Denny's at same time. Moons Over My Hammy overdone. Love troubles clear up when gracious Gemini, with toothy dentures, invites you to spend night.

Capricorn: Loud and noisome flatulence at party causes everyone to stare, while you use foot to make squeaking sound on floor. Virile Virgo quips, “no need to repeat yourself, we all heard you the first time.” You blame the chili. Tell Gemini host you could make a better bowl of chili by using a part of your anatomy not normally in plain view. Proceed to undress and demonstrate.

Aquarius: Mars orbit prompts lover to express secret regret for murdering former spouse. Your work as a WalMart greeter requires you to place your hand on the buttocks of attractive shoppers to make them welcome. Sat. PM: Invite to pool party reminds you of childhood adage: It's always a wise precaution to wait at least 30 minutes after eating before defecating in someone’s pool.

Pisces Venus squares Pluto. At botanical club, a veritable pool of wisdom opens up as you realize, then successfully postulate, a theory that a pansy is not a flower but a fruit. Calumny rears its head as you’re accused of sadism after refusing to spank masochistic spouse. Spouse comes home from library at 2 am. PM: Heed advice about sources of all-natural fiber.