Last week, the Niagara Falls Reporter complained about taxpayers funding the Hard Rock Café’s Summer Concerts, featuring the music of yesteryear, when Mayor Paul Dyster was young.

This might get me fired, but the Semolina Nation of Indians paid $965 million for the Hard Rock franchise in 2006. These great Indians, who may have invented spaghetti, don’t need money. They do us a favor bringing in the mayor’s favorite acts. And next to Captain and Toenail, the Hard Rock is bringing my favorite, Saturday, Aug. 4, with KC and the Sunshine Band, who come with plenty of naked, female booty. WoWohoo, Yeah!

KC wrote some deep stuff, like “Get Down Tonight,” "That's the Way (I Like It)" number one in 1975. "I'm Your Boogie Man," "Keep It Comin' Love" and triple platinum, "(Shake, Shake, Shake) Shake Your Booty."

The Reporter complains that Mayor Dyster and the lean-bellied City Council paid the Hard Rock $42,000 to get KC, who hasn’t had a hit in 36 years, to come to town for two hours, while people struggle to pay taxes.

History is on Mayor Dyster’s side. Emperor Nero was the first to permit taxpayers to subsidize concerts. The talented, young, incest-loving Emperor would play the lyre, sing and read poetry. One of Nero’s classics “(Tremo, Tremo, Tremo)Tremo Tui Culus,” begins, “Omnis gradus solum (All step on the tiled floor). Sino nobus irrumāre. (Allow us to behave in a ribald manner.) Veto macto sensus tendo tu pēdīcāre, (Don’t forbid ribald behaviors.) Tremo, Tremo, Tremo; Tremo Tui Culus.”(Shake, Shake, Shake, Shake your booty.)

Too bad Mayor Dyster can’t sing. But he makes speeches at concerts. People are so unappreciative. If it weren’t for Mayor Dyster, they’d be paying for their own concerts, like they do in capitalist countries. When Mayor Dyster was only into the first 20 minutes of one of his speeches, I think it was entitled “I am more than just a Mayor of a boring, urban, rustbelt city with deep challenges, which will require a commitment to the highest principles of big government, which I will take a half hour to explain in depth to you tonight, before the music begins. I am also, musically speaking, your boogie man and that’s the way I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh,” instead of electrifying the crowd, on Old Falls Street, standing impatiently, as if they paid for their own concerts, they pointed to his Honor and said, “He’s who? You gotta be kidding? Get down (offstage) tonight.WoWohoo Yeah!”

There were 700 losers on the tax foreclosure list last year who couldn’t raise $5,000 or so to save their homes. The Reporter suggests the city help these losers. But we paid Hard Rock $42,000 to bring in KC, and Hard Rock had to split with KC. There is only so much money to go around.

Nero would have taken their homes so he could put someone in who can pay for things we need from government like police, streets and concerts. Since 2008, the city paid Hard Rock $700,000 for concerts. If these 700 losers paid their taxes, just a thousand bucks each, Mayor Dyster could have doubled our concert series.

The beauty, however, of American socialism is that even those who don’t pay, still go to free concerts. Before their home is foreclosed and they move to another state, where people pay for their own concerts, they will be shaking their booties and watching glorious female buttocks as KC shows-‘em where the sun don’t shine.

Mayor Dyster wouldn’t put his money on such a concert. You wouldn’t. I wouldn’t. No promoter would. He’d lose his where-the-sun-don’t-shine. See how smart Mayor Dyster is? We still get the music. We just don’t pay for it. Taxpayers pay, whoever they are.

As Mayor Dyster said to Hard Rock, or was it vice versa, “Keep it coming, love.”