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YOUR WEEKLY HOROSCOPE

"It's written in the stars..."

By Jean Topascani

Aries: Mercury exalted. Be prepared to overcome obstacles. Jupiter inspires boycott of personal hygiene products because of animal testing. Rhyming message helps you out. Your wish comes true  if you take up a life of crime. 

Taurus: Moon in Gemini affords encounter with luscious Libra. Sun in Cancer causes prosperity. Venus creates joy with cute
Capricorn. Generous Gemini has surprise. Your resolve to wait until you are married is very creditable. 

Gemini: Neptune continues lucky streak easing tension in second trimester over botched vasectomy. Libra in 9th prompts desire to shave head. AM: Full of fun and sunshine.  Wed. PM: Supervisor notices embroidered bathroom curtains missing.  

Cancer: Lunar node enters 4th house. Beware of arguments at home boiling over and dividing the house as food levels run low. Pinching spirited Aries’ buttocks is misunderstood. Flatulence thought silent prompts thoughtful friend to suggest hearing aid. Keep pants on when showering.

Leo: As a rule, football isn't known for bringing people together. Neptune semi-square with Pluto proves exception as you'll fall in love with someone whose head looks very similar to a football. AM The old saying, "It'll never heal if you pick at it," will save your life. Friday: Playfulness with leftover July 4th firecracker brings surprise. 

Virgo: Neptune in retrograde causes lost crack pipe to reappear and lodge between brake and gas pedal while driving. A close friend plucks up the courage to confide in you a highly embarrassing personal problem. Spice up week by telling everyone you know and having good laugh over it. 

Libra: Moon trines Gemini. Revelation of fondness for cats and dogs in spicy soups and stews leads to split with vegan Sagittarian. A prospective employer, during the course of a job interview, will ask what you believe to be your worst quality, a question which inexorably leads to his suicide three days later. You excel at social events. 

Scorpio: Chiron in retrograde signals fame when your low score IQ test is used to prove accuracy of IQ testing and couples your name with landmark study. The love you are currently experiencing is not reciprocated. However, the object of your love will lose teeth in boating accident, so all is not lost. Reluctant participation in gay parade makes you paranoid about people sneaking up from behind. Bird craps on you in AM.

Sagittarius: Ugliness combined with innocent mistake proves troublesome as your smiling, ear to ear picture, posted sideways, is flagged on Facebook as friends report you mooning camera. Your reference to boss’ wife as “deer face” make boss question your powers of observation since he calls her “mule face.”  PM: Decorate home.  

Capricorn: Leo in 9th. Complete the sentence: "My day will be really unhappy today because my boss will find out that I surf the internet for ___ hours daily." Rely on outgoing personality and winning smile to get you into a lot of trouble. 
 
Aquarius: Neptune in contra-parallel combined with alcohol causes incontinence in crowded hot tub.  Major achievements, new friends, and a previously unexplored way to make a lot of money are coming to a lot of people this week, but you will not be one of them. Mars causes increase in vocabulary which bores everybody.
 
Pisces: Venus aspecting Jupiter. Five week old puppy arrives at doorstep. You feed, nurture and get veterinary care. In return, it gives you unconditional love until it dies three days later. Saturn in 7th and Rahu (true node) in 1st.  At gay, black, redneck bar you create stir after waiter serves soup, and you say, “I think it queer you are so niggardly with crackers.” Broken jaw causes diet change to mashed, raw garlic and leek and onion juice, making you fit as a fiddle. Trouble getting dates or job this week.

 

 

Niagara Falls Reporter www.niagarafallsreporter.com July 10 , 2012