A lot of people got all worked up over the Niagara Falls School District's newly rediscovered grading policy last week.
We at the Niagara Falls Reporter, however, fully support giving students a minimum grade of 50 for every course in every marking period, whether they show up for classes and put forth an even token effort or not. It's easily the best idea to come out of our public schools since the decision to provide free laptop computers to every student.
It would be easy to make fun of the teachers and Niagara Gazette newsroom types who weren't aware that this wasn't a new edict adopted by the school board, but a practice that dates all the way back to the turn of the 21st century. Or to ask why the most absorbent daily newspaper in Niagara County chose to devote thousands of words to the subject, instead of giving readers the information they really crave, like an in-depth how-to feature on the art of origami, or more semi-nude photos of Pat Bradley.
But such harping on frivolities like institutional memory or news judgment would diminish our genuine enthusiasm for forcing students to earn up to half of their grade. By allowing our leaders, convenience-store clerks and exotic dancers of tomorrow to doze through a marking period or two and still pass the course, the district clearly has the interests of the larger community at heart.
Think of their parents. When planning family vacations, they're traditionally limited to summer vacation, Christmas break, winter break, spring break, Easter break and a half-dozen long weekends. With the flexibility afforded by the district's "Fifty is Nifty" policy, though, they can take the kids on that mountain-climbing journey to Tibet or that cross-Europe bicycling tour they've always dreamed of.
It also makes a whole new work force available to local sweat shops. With 10 extra weeks or more to fill, the boys and girls of Niagara Falls can experience the glamour and excitement of envelope stuffing, having their own Gazette delivery route, or sending out thousands of junk e-mails, and still get in enough class time to earn a 67 for the course.
While some have questioned the long-term impact of the built-in mulligan given to the city's students, we believe it reinforces the primary duty of our educational system. Namely, brainwashing our children into striving for mediocrity.
Why waste thousands of hours and literally hundreds of dollars filling their heads full of aspirations that they may someday get to fire someone, or earn enough cash to bother cheating on their taxes? Better that they embrace now the pervasive apathy and illusory work ethic that they'll need for their adventures in telemarketing or cleaning up aisle six.
Forget all that "seize the day" crap. "Eh, that's good enough" -- now there's a mantra for our youth.
Sure, there will be those who forego the unique opportunity afforded by "Fifty is Nifty," deciding instead to show up for all of their classes and read all those books. But while those eggheads are learning all that useless American history and chemistry, there will be those forward-looking students who will make better use of their newly liberated time. Like familiarizing themselves with the laws governing unemployment, welfare and food-stamp eligibility.
Only a true cynic would even suggest that the district policy is little more than a way to artificially pump up grades, thereby deflecting criticism that crops up every time anyone assembles any sort of ranking of local schools. Or that coming up with and implementing such ideas amounts to little more than make-work for lavishly compensated administrators, to fill the moments when they're not busy telling parents that teachers make too much money.
No, a good idea is a good idea. So good, in fact, that it should be extended to the rest of our world.
We've already done so here at the Reporter. So now we'll tell our advertisers that our circulation is 70,000, which sounds a lot more impressive than the 20,000 we really put out.
Our individual bank balances will instantly rise from zero millions to $50 million, as soon as we can convince our branch manager to get with the program.
Mayor Irene Elia enters the heart of campaign season with an approval rating of at least 50 percent. OK, 51.
And the oft-ridiculed AquaFalls hole in the ground -- why, that state-of-the-art aquarium is more than half done.
In closing, I realize that this piece is only half as long as most articles published in this newspaper. But, eh, that's good enough.
| Niagara Falls Reporter | www.niagarafallsreporter.com | April 22 2003 |