It's late December, which means one thing if you pick up a newspaper or magazine, or flip on your television -- the dreaded Year-End Wrap-Up.
You know -- the incredibly self-important story in which the writer or narrator tells you What Was Truly Meaningful about the year just completed, as if you had been living in a spider-hole or wallowing in an "American Idol"-induced coma for the previous 12 months.
Our esteemed colleagues in the journalism world foist these snoozers upon you every year at this point on the calendar for one reason -- they're incredibly easy to put together. A few minutes leafing or fast-forwarding through the archives, and BAM, you've got yourself a wistful retrospective guaranteed to make your readers/viewers laugh, cry, (expletive deleted) or go blind, or all four.
We here at the Niagara Falls Reporter think you deserve better. Rather than bore you with a rehash of what you've already lived through, we prefer to dazzle you with exaggerations, distortions and outright lies about what isn't ahead. In that spirit, we present the carefully fabricated and wholly unsubstantiated Third Annual Year in Preview.
JANUARY 1 -- During the first meeting of the new Niagara Falls city government, Councilwoman Candra Thomason accuses Mayor Vince Anello and the other four Council members of sexually harassing her, based on an uncorroborated third-party rumor, refuses to vote until "Irene and Al tell me what to do" and vows to have her son run down everyone in the room if they don't tell her she's pretty.
FEBRUARY 14 -- Despite coach Dan Bazzani's orders that they close their eyes when they shoot, stand perfectly still while playing defense and hop on one foot, rather than run, up and down the court, the Niagara Falls boys basketball team beats Kenmore West 119-7 in Niagara Frontier League action.
MARCH 23 -- With his poll numbers slipping, alleged President George W. Bush names a new "Axis of Evil" during a nationally televised address to the nation -- Luxembourg, Micronesia and Trinidad and/or Tobago.
APRIL 17 -- After months of searching, city police officers find former mayor Irene Elia, disoriented and bearded, hiding in an 8-foot hole in the backyard of a Mackenna Avenue home. Described by her interrogators as defiant and sarcastic, she refuses to divulge the whereabouts of Paul Colangelo.
MAY 5 -- Encouraged by the success of their recently completed parking ramp in keeping as many gamblers as possible from spending one penny anywhere else in Niagara Falls, the Seneca Gaming Corp. announces plans to build a futuristic transporter that will beam patrons from their homes directly into the Seneca Niagara Casino.
When some Seneca Nation officials balk at the $23 billion price tag, Gaming Corp. Big Shot Mickey Brown reassures them.
"I know a guy from Malaysia who will give us the money," Brown says. "And the vig is only 78 percent."
JUNE 19 -- With the New York State budget months late for the 204th year in a row, Gov. George Pataki announces that not only will Albany keep 100 percent of the state's share of casino proceeds, but that the City of Niagara Falls will have to pay the state an additional amount equal to the share it would have received under the original agreement.
"It's the least those stupid rubes can do," Pataki says. "After all, we took all that vacant downtown real estate off their hands. Think of all the headaches we saved them."
In a related development, Pataki appoints longtime political bagman Charles Gargano as Lord High Protector of Niagara Falls.
"Screw representative democracy," the governor says. "Just do as Chuck says, and no one gets hurt."
JULY 4 -- Due to lack of fans and enough available players, every team in Major League Baseball goes out of business, with two exceptions. The New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox announce that they'll play against each other every day until October, when they meet in the World Series.
AUGUST 14 -- Dispensing with any pretense of due process, Niagara County Health Czarina Paulette Kline announces that she's fining every bar, restaurant, beauty salon, all-volunteer social club and retail store $1,000 for violating the state smoking ban.
"My snitches tell me that people have been thinking about smoking, talking about smoking and, in some cases, even possessing cigarettes in these establishments," Kline says. "I don't care if they didn't actually light them. If pre-emptive action is good enough for the president, it's good enough for me."
SEPTEMBER 30 -- Citing the success of previous layoffs in improving profitability, the cash-strapped Greater Niagara Newspapers chain fires its handful of remaining reporters and photographers. Wayne "Willie" Lowman announces that the Niagara Gazette, Lockport Union-Sun and Journal, Tonawanda News and Medina Journal-Register will adopt pennysaver formats, with reader-submitted announcements about church dinners and elementary-school honor rolls providing the only editorial content amidst the ads.
"That's the direction this company has been heading for years, so what the hey?" Lowman says. "And did I mention we're raising the price of the paper and the cost of ads?"
Lowman then unveils the chain's new slogan: "You might as well -- you got no choice."
OCTOBER 16 -- As another construction season draws to a close with a muddy pit still greeting pedestrians near the Rainbow Bridge, a shifty-eyed spokesman for AquaFalls' financiers du jour holds a press conference.
"The money's just about lined up, and we start work in two weeks," says the spokesman, ex-Gazette publisher Steve Braver. "Honest to God. We're really serious this time. Really."
OCTOBER 18 -- A real, live eco-tourist is sighted near the Niagara Gorge. Dewey Metivier, 28, admits driving to Niagara Falls from Bethesda, Md., not to see the cataracts or rapids, or even play the slots at the casino, but because "I heard part of the parkway was closed down, and I had to come up here. I really like unused asphalt and trees, even if they're just like the ones I can see almost anywhere else."
Members of the Niagara Heritage Partnership's militant wing attempt to capture Metivier to display as proof that the mythical creature known as the eco-tourist actually exists, but he flees the gorge area after seeing Bob Baxter aiming a tranquilizer gun at him. Before leaving town, Metivier impacts the local economy by purchasing a granola bar and a bottle of spring water at Wilson Farms.
NOVEMBER 26 -- Taking Black Friday shopping mania to its logical conclusion, an armed cadre of mothers from LaSalle shoots its way through the line at Wal-Mart when the store opens at 5 a.m. They grab as many discount DVD players as they can carry and, holding the cashiers at gunpoint, pay $19.99 for each of them.
DECEMBER 23 -- While visiting Niagara Falls, President-elect Hillary Rodham Clinton says she'll consult with the first husband on foreign policy and economic issues, but that he'll be sequestered at the family home in Westchester while her transition team hires female members of the White House staff.
"We think it's best for all concerned this way, don't we, Bill?" she says. "And he'd better keep away from my desk."
| Niagara Falls Reporter | www.niagarafallsreporter.com | December 23 2003 |